Category Archives: Local

Banner New Class of 2016 to Promote Academic Biodiversity

Leave a comment

EVANSTON, IL – The Office of Undergraduate Admissions was excited to report Tuesday that the Class of 2016, whose newest members were notified of their admission the preceding weekend, will be the university’s most diverse in over 25 years. When asked to elaborate on the precise nature of this notably vague “diversity” which characterizes the incoming freshmen, Vice-President of University Relations Alan K. Cubbage explained that this year the Admissions Committee opted for a new approach in the application evaluation process

Read more Local, No. 78

Northwestern Finally Breaks Top 10 in Sporcle College Rankings

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The online quiz site Sporcle.com released its weekly college rankings Monday, and Northwestern University was for the first time in the Top 10. “While the number 10 is really not much different than, say, 12 or 13,” explained Northwestern President Morty Schapiro in an email to students sent at 2:00 AM, “it represents a symbolic victory in our decimal-based society. Let us celebrate our recognition as a top-tier school, where our students are able to name the US

Read more Local, No. 78

SafeRide Driver Purchases Alcohol for Student, Makes Her Wait an Hour to Get It

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A SafeRide driver was recently arrested for delivering alcohol to a minor. According to court documents, the minor in question placed a call to SafeRide at 9:30 PM, and a driver was dispatched approximately 50 minutes later with spirits in hand. According to university officials, such wait times are not uncommon for students using school resources to get wasted. “SafeRide drivers may take hours to accomplish minutes’ worth of tasks,” Northwestern spokesman Al Cubbage explained, “but when you’re

Read more Local, No. 77

Local Middle School Holds “Stand Awkwardly in the Corner” Marathon

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A local Evanston middle school has issued its response to Northwestern’s Dance Marathon. With the fundraiser right around the corner, the school board has decided to organize a Stand-Awkwardly-In-The-Corner Marathon to benefit the B+ Foundation. This esteemed charity, chosen by the local PTA, helps fund childhood cancer research, a cause the middle schoolers described as “ugh, whatever, mom.” Students were asked to raise money for the charity but fundraising efforts were minimal as the participants prepared for the

Read more Local, No. 76

Frat Kicked off Campus for Forcing Pledges to Go to Class

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Three years ago, Northwestern fraternity Epsilon Delta Upsilon was put on probation for what the University described as “academic harassment”. Apparently, the warning wasn’t enough, as the fraternity has been disbanded for unspecified transgressions as of earlier this afternoon. This marks the third time in ten years that a fraternity has been kicked off campus for incidences of hazing. Although hazing rituals are all but a universally accepted truth in fraternity life, faculty and students alike are shocked

Read more Articles, Local, No. 74

SHAPE Brings Crabs to Northwestern Campus

Leave a comment

SEARLE- In preparation for Northwestern Dance Marathon, scheduled to take place the weekend of March 9th, Sexual Health and Peer Educators (SHAPE) is putting together a campus wide crabwalk race to raise money for this year’s beneficiary, B+. “The race will start at Tech and all the crabs will scurry toward Searle Health Services,” President of SHAPE, Eliza Crochitch said. “We are really excited and we are hoping every pair participating in DM will send at least one crab to

Read more Local, No. 74

Farmer to Deliver NU Commencement Address, Offer Realistic View of Students’ Futures

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Northwestern University seniors were surprised to learn that the 2012 Commencement Address would be delivered by a farmer named Paul from central Illinois. “I mean, I guess I understand how farming might be important in light of the food crisis in, like, Africa and whatever,” Weinberg senior Jonah Goldblum told Flipside, “but I was expecting someone a little more… academic.” Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro reacted to the lukewarm response to the farmer, saying, “This Spring, thousands of

Read more Local, No. 74

Non-Greek Night: A Live Blog

Leave a comment

5:52 PM – Weekend time! Got my midterms behind me and an awesome weekend with absolutely zero responsibility ahead of me! Time to celebrate! Whooooooo! 6:23 PM – Celebrating with Hot Cookie Bar at Allison! God damn that tastes good! This is what college is all about, right here! Who needs the Greek system anyways? 7:13 PM – Just getting a little History homework out of the way, then it’s party time! 7:56 PM – Here we go! Swiped a

Read more Articles, Local, No. 74, Opinion
« Older Entries Recent Entries »