Wednesday, ASG President Claire Lew announced that they were changing something about something they do once more, sending waves of apathy through Northwestern. “Wait, exactly what again does ASG do?” said sophomore Mark Raynor, in response to the complete overhaul or structural reform or whatever the hell they decided to make different. Lew says this will completely revitalize/rejuvenate/switch how the organization will handle/delegate/petition students/faculty/Evanston citizens. “Northwestern blah blah blah connection blah blah relationship blah blah blah,” she said in a

— HELP WANTED — Ladies needed for educational demonstration of toy drills. Required to work naked in a public setting. Compensation will include appropriate payment and a souvenir toy. Contact: bailey@northwestern.edu and Human sexuality psychologist needed for Psychology department. Required to conduct research in Evanston, IL and teach Psychology 337. Responsible applicants only.

[by Cla4732] In a terrific display of sarcasm malfunction, Evanston Middle’s most famous clique, insipidly self-named the Deadly Sins, failed to understand the moral behind Mean Girls and undertook the task of making every mistake the titular characters did. After watching Mean Girls for the 9th time following the dance and the requisite hour of IMing boys, the girls decided to model themselves after the characters that the creators of the movie intended to portray as horrible people. Kelsi (Wrath)