Category Archives: Local

Girl Vomits on Phi Psi; Second Hate Crime of Halloween Eve

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EVANSTON—In a shocking display of prejudice, Ashlee Jones, Delta Zeta sorority sister, threw up on the front steps of Phi Psi’s fraternity house Saturday night. Jones, who was dressed up as “sexy Big Bird,” consumed three Jello shots at Delta Upsilon, five Natty Lights at Pike, and one “something fucking delicious” at Lodge. “This was obviously an attack on Phi Psi. She didn’t get the alcohol from us. Her stomach contents were her metaphorical pen, hate her message,” said Phi Psi

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SafeRide Prius Actually Transformer in Disguise

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EVANSTON—Northwestern University officials announced in a statement Sunday night that one Prius in the school’s SafeRide fleet is actually a Transformer in disguise hiding from the evil lord Megatron. The Transformer, Tigerzord, was hiding on Earth after fleeing Cybertron, its home planet. Tigerzord failed to steal the mighty Allspark from Megatron, and thus was forced into hiding to avoid the wrathful robot’s ruthless minions Starscream, Bonecrusher, Frenzy and Brawl. Tigerzord was discovered when it mistakenly transformed while carrying several sorority

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Lesbians deemed “Man’s New Best Friend”

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EVANSTON—Anyone who has spent a significant portion of time around the fairer sex will have surely heard a woman express a desire to have a gay best friend. Women and girls around the world claim they would love to have a gay pal to discuss fashion, provide emotional support, and just generally feel comfortable around, and in recent years the “GBFF” has become a rather trendy fad. In the past, men have expressed discomfort about these friendships, some fearing being

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Students Excited for Winter Misery

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EVANSTON—Registration for Winter Quarter begins this week at Northwestern, and students are absolutely thrilled. “I hate all my classes!” joyfully exclaimed Weinberg freshman D.J. Grunthel. “I’m tired of them and ready for new classes that I will learn to hate!” Upperclassmen concur that classes never get any better. “I’ve had my share of quarters here,” said Medill junior Sarah Shamara. “I can’t remember enjoying any of them. But I am super psyched for a change in my classes! There certainly

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Area Man Somehow Fails to Get Laid Dressed as Bill Clinton at Halloween Party

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EVANSTON—Donning a fresh new suit, an American flag pin, and a Bill Clinton mask, McCormick sophomore Shane Feinberg strolled out of Allison Hall a confident man Saturday night.  He was 0 for 13 so far in his Northwestern flirting career, but there was no doubt in his mind that Saturday would be the night a female would rendezvous with his slick Willie. For that night he was not Shane Feinberg, the awkward Jewish kid whose greatest scores had come on calculus

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Statistician 95% Confident He Fucked Your Girlfriend

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EVANSTON—Yesterday at approximately 9:23 p.m., senior statistics major Josh Sylvan declared in a verbal report that he in all likelihood fucked your girlfriend. “I’m a little worried about my power because I was pretty drunk,” Sylvan said. “I would really feel bad for you if I made a type two error.” The stated confidence interval is hand job< μ<three rounds of hot action on your desk, bed, and shower, respectively. “These things are tricky,” admits Sylvan. “You have to be wary

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SafeRide Considers Name Change after Three-Fatality Crash

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EVANSTON – In an unprecedented move on Monday, the president of SafeRide announced that the organization was considering a name change after one of its vehicles T-boned a minivan, killing two of its own passengers and the driver of the other car. “Safety obviously isn’t part of our image anymore,” said Michael Grossman, the president of the organization. While numerous apologies and public statements have been made since the accident, this is the first that denotes any change in policy.

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Grandmother Found in Wrong Elder Residential Community

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EVANSTON—To the delight of her family, missing senior citizen Winifred Leibowitz reappeared on Wednesday when she wandered into the lobby of Elder Residential Community. She was not let back up into the dorm rooms because she did not have a valid Wildcard. Mrs. Leibowitz says she mistook Elder Residential Community, the newly renovated North Campus dormitory, for the assisted living community her children had suggested she make her new residence. “I just saw all the darling children and assumed they

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Flipside Sets Up “Shelter” at the Rock, Bear Grylls Impressed

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EVANSTON—In an attempt to promote last week’s issue of the Flipside, three students proceeded to use the tools given to them by Norris Outdoors to create a shelter for those planning to sleep at the Rock overnight. With a few yards of rope, two large boulders borrowed from the Harris Hall construction site, and all of the equipment provided in a tent’s packaging, the three proceeded to build an improvised lean-to that sophomore Michael Guhin claimed “could only be described

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President of New Hipster Frat: We Were Greek Before it was Cool

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EVANSTON—A new fraternity has recently joined the 17 nationally-recognized fraternities at Northwestern. Informally dubbed the “Hipster Frat,” the organization is currently unnamed. According to president Hudson Tyler, undecided Weinberg junior, frat names are too “mainstream” for the group. The fraternity claims that with its laid-back atmosphere it will offer an “alternative” experience at a college where everyone on North Campus except the Slivka kids are involved in Greek life. With a toss of his unwashed bangs, member Charles Kingston assured

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