Grosse Point Lighthouse Leads Mortyâs âS.S. Tuition Raiseâ Safely to Shore
The maiden voyage of the jewel-encrusted sea vessel had been scheduled for yesterday despite inclement weather warnings.
Category Archives: Local
Bikes in Storage Tired of Dry Spell, Ready to be Lubed and Sat On Again
“A local bike shop was there to pump the tires and make sure the bikes could still perform, despite being inactive for an entire quarter.”
Naruto Manga Announced to Be Class of â23 One Book
âWe know people donât really read the One Book,â she explained, âbut if it is filled with drawings of lovable ninja adolescents and their enlightening journeys to become the greatest Hokage the village has ever had, what college student could possibly pass that up?â
Polynomial Equation Factored Down to Teeny-Tiny Quadratic During Math Burlesque
“He ripped off factors, canceled like terms in his numerator and denominator … and let me say, his denominator was not bad at all.â
Bandit The Raccoon To Receive Honorary Degree At Commencement
âWe are honored to present Bandit âthe Outdoor Roombaâ with this degree,â stated university President Morton Shapiro, âthis little trash thief is singlehandedly reducing each of our carbon footprints and we feel itâs time to recognize his achievements.â
Area Freshman âChanged Manâ after Meeting Sophia the Dominatrix
Though the free condoms and candy of Northwesternâs Sex Week have come and gone, its effects on the student body have only just begun to be felt â and explored.
“Havana” Likely Playing In Plex Dining Hall Right Now
âEvery time I hear her go âHavana ooh nana,â a little part of me dies inside, and I feel my soul slowly wither away.”
Frontera Fresco In Norris Now Open Just 15 Minutes A Week
Beginning this quarter, the Frontera Fresco Mexican grill located in the Norris Center will now be open just fifteen minutes a week, from 4:30 A.M. to 4:45 A.M.
Student Lands Dream Job, Too Bad It Wasnât You
Celebrating the end of a successful college career full of lifelong friendships and treasured experiences that will never be forgotten, a lucky student has had their hard work rewarded by landing the one job that combines both their passion and career goals. Unfortunately, it was not you.
NU Sex Week Shrinkage Attributed To The Cold
âIt’s not usually like this. It just seems smaller because the cold forced us to cancel some events, I swear.”