Police Crack Down After Student Group Found Distributing MGMT
“Experts say Jones was supplying the MGMT to students via iPod Nanos.”
Category Archives: Local
Report: Sophomore Planning to Major in “Whatever Fits”
“I’m into Poli Sci, sorta. I guess. But I also think bio might be cool. Oh and journalism could be interesting. Honestly, who knows?”
Mayfest Hoping Dillo Gets Rained Out Following Joke MGMT Announcement
Most members of Mayfest have agreed that if Dillo is only rained out, they can deal with more “Fuck Mayfest” messages. One member said they had gotten used to it and even kind of missed it.
Area Magician Confused Why He Keeps Making Girls Disappear
Magicians, who often have to skip high school dances in order to hone their skills, have historically struggled to gain any sort of interest from women.
SOFO To Require “Blood of the Treasurer” to Get Vouchers Reimbursed
The form process is expected to take two to three business days, after which the representatives on the third floor will hand off the supplies to the treasurers, that is if they can find your specific set of bottles and needles in the piles of paperwork laying around.
NU Landscaping Tells Terrified Morty About the Birds and the Bees
Repeatedly stopping to calm down the jittery college president, sources reported today that Northwestern landscaping officials told Morton Schapiro all about the birds and the bees.
Area Loser Learns He Can Masturbate Without Crying
“There I was, just going through the motions with my tear bucket and picture of Melisandre from Game of Thrones, and somehow I just started playing the skin flute without anything coming out! Of my eyes that is.”
Theatre Major in Front Row Ruins Lecture Yet Again
This is reportedly the seventh time lecture has been derailed by this repeat offender with no sign of remorse.
Local Saint Tips Chipotle Worker with Spare Change After Ignoring Three Homeless People
Other Chipotle workers expressed similar beliefs about Klight’s generosity and holiness, and reportedly pray for the day when he returns and puts a single dollar bill into the tip jar.
Creative Writing Program Debuts New “Pensively Skipping Stones” Course
“We start each day by listening to Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ and ‘Yellow.’ Then we shuffle to the Lakefill with our heads pointed downward. Finally we pick up the slimmest of stones, muse on the mutability of existence, and ultimately launch the minerals into the vast unknown they call Lake Michigan.”