Op-Ed: I Didn’t Know Kanye Made an Album About my Gardener
I mean I had no idea. Pablo never once told me he had any sort of relationship with Kanye. The man is insanely modest.
Category Archives: Articles
Op-Ed: You Want Hazing? I’ll Show You Bitches Hazing
I heard that some of you little princesses thought we were going easy on you. Well get ready bitches, because I’ll show this sorry excuse how to haze.
Cru: We Found Jesus and He’s Racially Ambiguous
“Jesus cannot be defined by labels,” said Cara Manns, treasurer of Cru. “Everyone wants to fit him into this tiny box of white or black or whatever, but you just can’t. He is racially ambiguous.”
Bear from The Revenant Beats Leo for Oscar
In an unprecedented turn of events, the Oscars have handed the Best Actor award to a non-human, who in fact was not even originally nominated for the award.
Heroin Ruins Area Man’s Life
After several months of addiction, research conclusively shows that the heroin use of local resident Rusty Stuler has destroyed his life in just about every possible way.
Commencement Speech Moved to a Weeknight at 12:35/11:35c
“After selecting Meyers as the 2016 commencement speaker, we aimed to create a truly authentic and comfortable atmosphere for everyone’s favorite engaging persona.”
Ben Carson Goes Fucking Crazy in Las Vegas
Carson was seen playing the slots, going to strip clubs, drinking heavily, and gambling away his entire campaign fund throughout his tryst in Las Vegas.
Patrick Star Takes Willard Hall, Pushes It Somewhere Else
The unusual spectacle is the result Northwestern’s decision to both renovate Willard Hall and move all Willard Residential College residents to 1835 Hinman next year.
Op Ed: How Can White Privilege Be Real If I Have To Wear Sunscreen?
For all the talk about white privilege, white people like me have to live with the threat of sunburn all summer long, an experience darker-skinned people just can’t understand.
iPhone Ruined as FBI Waterboards Siri
“We didn’t see the problem at the time,” The FBI announced at a press conference, holding a still-wet iPhone suspended in a bag of uncooked rice.