Rowling Pens Final Installment: Harry Potter and the Custody Feud
And you thought “all was well” meant happily ever after.
Category Archives: Articles
A Modest Proposal (for the Heating of the Evanston Area)
Guest columnist Jonathan Swift proposes a simple and effective solution to Chicago winters: student bonfires.
Flipside Previews the Sochi Opening Ceremony
The Flipside presents a list of what to expect from the ceremony, brought to you by a reporter who managed to get an illegal live stream of the ceremony.
Local Shuttle Regrets Leaving You Behind
“It pained me to leave that student behind. The expression on his face as I drove away is frozen into my mind. I see it every time I close my eyes. I can’t sleep at night. I’m a failure,” said the shuttle.
Sochi Olympics Debuts New “Extreme” Winter Sports
President Putin has graciously permitted athletes to wear flame-retardant clothing, but notes that only pussies will do so.
God Denies Ever Creating Ken Ham
“The Bible says I said ‘let there be light,’ not ‘let there be Ken Ham,’” God wrote in a brief statement to the press.
Local Girl Wears Balaclava, Looks Surprisingly Spectacular
A well-informed fashionista with her own fashion tumblr, she was aware of the stigma surrounding the garment. However, for once in her damn life, she decided her safety was more important than fashion.
Concussed Football Player Shows up to Press Conference Six Days Late
“Such a nice boy, even if his brain is a little mushy. Oh well, it’s not like anyone ever forced him to play football,” said head custodian Alexander Jones.
Thousands Still Late to Class after Cold Catches Evanston Completely Prepared
Local authorities have been unable to calculate just how many people have missed the first few minutes of class where the professor tries to get students’ attention without being rude but estimates are running in the tens-of-thousands.
Obama Gives Credit to “the Real American Heroes” for Ending the Shutdown
Michelle Angelo, who volunteered during both of Obama’s presidential campaigns, said it was this kind of government she had envisioned when she first saw Obama’s “Hope” posters.