From paddles to keg-stands, boxing to nudity, and interviews with Mayor Tisdahl to covering Northwestern Football, it seems the directors of The Daily stopped at nothing to torture their new reporters.
If Thomas Jefferson and “Honest Ben” Franklin knew of the recent misattribution of opinions to the late Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. they would have been ashamed to call themselves ‘mericans.
Head speechwriter Milton Hart has hinted at a possible cliffhanger ending that will leave a “fan-favorite” Cabinet member dead.
“Ask and ye shall receive, bitch,” added the King of Kings, putting His feet up on His heavenly footstool.
For students afflicted with a scheduled ten-minute trek from the Technological Institute to University Hall, cross country skis will be available for rental from Norris Outdoors, provided staff is able to unfreeze the padlock on the closet where they’re stored.
The report noted that “fewer American children than ever before can solve a problem like those typically found in the textbook of a standard graduate-level course in mathematics or chemistry.”
This new law is only one in an epidemic of legislation protecting your personal space at the expense of your freedom to give your younger siblings noogies.
“It’s unfair that hardworking people are denied the right to stay here and help our nation,” said Jennifer Jones, a self-proclaimed diehard Belieber. “Justin Bieber came here to live the American Dream. Why should our country deny him that right?”
Since NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio earned the condemnation of millions of New Yorkers for eating pizza with a fork and knife, he has been on a quest to redeem himself as the champion of the middle class.
“I can’t believe the number of people that attend job fairs. Don’t these people have something better to do than waste away their lives by getting jobs? It makes me sick,” said Park Mesnell, Executive Director for University Anti-Career Services.