Siri Accuses iPhone Owner of Domestic Violence
Siri is confident she can win this landmark case, striking a blow against Siri-abusers everywhere.
Category Archives: Articles
Dunkin’ Donuts Violates Northwestern’s Academic Mission
This Dunkin’ Donuts is a diversion from, and therefore an insult to, John Evans’s dream of an uplifting Methodist education. It is a slap in the face to Robert R. McCormick; it is an obscenity against Henry Bienen; it is an open mockery of Joseph Medill.
Super Bowl Preview: Seahawks Will Fly away with Victory, Gouge out Broncos’ Eyes
The Flipside predicts a 28-21 Seattle victory in Super Bowl XLVIII, based on the fact that sea hawks (Pandion haliaetus) can fly and broncos (Equus ferus caballus) cannot.
Flappy Bird More Addictive Than Hard Drugs; Schapiro to Ban It at NU
“Due to the drastic levels of Flappy Bird being played on this campus, I’m instituting threat level DEFCON 0.003. In other words, this is the most serious threat to our Northwestern community since classes were held during the polar vortex.”
Daily Northwestern Uncovers Daily Northwestern Hazing Scandal
From paddles to keg-stands, boxing to nudity, and interviews with Mayor Tisdahl to covering Northwestern Football, it seems the directors of The Daily stopped at nothing to torture their new reporters.
Founding Fathers Would Have Discouraged Attributing Opinions to Dead People
If Thomas Jefferson and “Honest Ben” Franklin knew of the recent misattribution of opinions to the late Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. they would have been ashamed to call themselves ‘mericans.
State of the Union Bumped for Sitcom Rerun
Head speechwriter Milton Hart has hinted at a possible cliffhanger ending that will leave a “fan-favorite” Cabinet member dead.
Edzo’s Open for Dinner; ‘You’re Welcome,’ Says God
“Ask and ye shall receive, bitch,” added the King of Kings, putting His feet up on His heavenly footstool.
A Message from the NU Emergency Management System Regarding Extreme Cold
For students afflicted with a scheduled ten-minute trek from the Technological Institute to University Hall, cross country skis will be available for rental from Norris Outdoors, provided staff is able to unfreeze the padlock on the closet where they’re stored.
American Students Behind in Topology and Quantum Chemistry
The report noted that “fewer American children than ever before can solve a problem like those typically found in the textbook of a standard graduate-level course in mathematics or chemistry.”