I was so torn at recess, yo. There were always some pretty fine honeys with Malibu-Rum-smooth hands, gathered around the hopscotch court, but me, I was the gangSTAR-ass player of the kickball team.
Few children today have not been touched by Gertrude Chandler Warner’s classic book series The Boxcar Children, which captures all the charm and adventure of being a parentless underage destitute living in an abandoned train car. Now, these timeless stories are being updated for a new generation with the release of the series The Boxcar Adults: Just Regular Homeless People. Penned by nameless ghostwriters, these books attempt to sustain the realism of the original series and preserve its relevance, by
EVANSTON — You remember the feeling. You’re waiting for 6th period to start in a post brown-bag lunch haze, wishing only that you didn’t have to endure another science class with Mrs. Stebbins (and that you had more fruit gushers, I mean seriously, there’s only like seven in each bag). You are consumed with this mix of dread and high fructose corn syrup, when suddenly, it happens. A woman you’ve never laid eyes on before enters the room with a
CLEVELAND, OH — An area cynic has managed to ruin everything from our childhood that we ever looked back fondly on. Over the course of one rambling diatribe that the cynic called “a conversation” he proceeded to poke holes in everything we ever cherished. For example, he really hates 90s television shows and has no shame haughtily telling us so. In his words, “TV is lying to you, man. Clarissa never really does explain it all, does she? Also I
SEATTLE, WA — According to new market research, web contents containing mere references to social networking services generate more traffic and are more likely to go “viral.” Twitter. Lance, Quarts & Associates, a market research firm based in Redmond, Washington, recently published the findings based on a year-long study which tracked online behaviors of 20,000 randomly chosen internet users. Pinterest. The study finds that webpages that contain references to social networking services increase overall website traffic by 34.2 percent and
WASHINGTON — After a recent fire was put out in the West Wing of the White House, investigators found Vice President Biden and Former President Clinton working on a meth lab to help alleviate the United States’ financial woes. The subsequent investigation and closure of the operation revealed unimagined details about the inner workings of the White House. Biden commented, “Listen, I talked to Bernanke, he kept saying a bunch of bullshit about interest rates and bubbles as if I
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local internet start-up, Business Organization, Ideas, Solutions, and Energy, last week launched a marketing campaign that BOISE President and CEO Mark Thompson could only describe as “a complete and utter failure.” Thompson, whose company strives to provide “strategies, tips, and directions” to improve the efficiency and productivity of businesses worldwide, said his Marketing Intern, Billy Keyman, came up with the idea of giving away a $300 Amazon.com gift certificate as a way to drum up business.
EVANSTON — Northwestern University administrators declared yesterday that the campus will host a record number of fairs this year. Events Management Chair Neil Cordoba foreshadowed some of the future happenings: “We could not help noticing the repeated success of the Activities Fair, the Volunteer Fair, the Jobs and Internships Fair, not to mention our other fairs, so we made a commitment to add a fair number more this year.” Following the Housing Fair in February, a new Louis Hall event
AUBURN, AL — College and professional athletes alike are facing criticism for using deer antler spray to enhance their performance. Football players at big-time SEC schools in particular have allegedly bought and used deer antler spray despite it being considered a performance-enhancing drug. True, it sounds a bit crazy, but down south football is everything! A special Flipside investigation has unearthed the next groundbreaking PEDs that athletes will abuse. 1. Injecting Elephant Tranquilizer Fluid The tranquilizer fluid will be taken
EVANSTON — After the 2012 student surveys, both North Campus and South Campus members of the Associated Student Government reached an agreement to curb long lines at Frontera Fresco. The compromise represented a significant policy shift for North Campus members in order to appease their more liberal counterparts. “There’s clearly a change in demographics,” said North Campus Minority Leader Mitch Levy. His party has typically supported old-fashioned gender policies (through single-sex Greek houses), advanced interrogation (hazing), and the opposition of