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Big/Little Week Coincides with Body Acceptance Week

February 19, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

EVANSTON — It appears that in their perhaps overenthusiastic preparation for Big/Little Week, campus sororities have inadvertently undone preparations for Body Acceptance Week, sponsored by Northwestern Counseling and Psychological Services. “Changing the language from mom/daughter to big/little is great for the new members, but for a lot of sororities it may have actually caused more harm than good,” said CAPS spokeswoman Deborah McCormick. This year’s “bigs” reportedly want to feel less big. According to a study conducted by extremely bored

Things We Are Giving Up for Lent

February 19, 2013 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

Now that Mardi Gras is over, it’s time for us to get serious and make sacrifices that will improve our spiritual well-being. With that in mind, here are some things we are giving up for Lent.

Area Botanist: ‘Condom Roses’ Entirely Wrong Genus

February 18, 2013 Brian Lee Leave a comment

EVANSTON — A local botanist claims that the condom roses sold by Northwestern University’s Sexual Health and Assault Peer Educators (SHAPE) do not belong in the genus Rosa, stating “they’re not really anything like any rose out there.” Jennifer Leary, a member of the North Shore Garden Club, made this claim after observing a sample of the condom roses, saying that based on the plant’s leaf structure, petal counts, stamen, pistil, and other parts of the flower, the plant could

The State of Gone Greek Night

February 18, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

Following Barack Obama’s State of the Union address last week, various Northwestern student groups have issued reports about the state of their own organizations. The Flipside is pleased to present the transcripts of these speeches. Good morning, my fellow Greek students of Northwestern University. Thank you for waking up from your drunken stupor and forgetting about how much your feet hurt from five inch platform heels. After much careful analysis and plenty of water drinking, I have concluded that the

Morty Authorizes Drone Strikes On Students Wearing Other Schools’ Apparel

February 17, 2013 Adam Pecena Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro announced yesterday afternoon after his annual meeting with President Obama that he found the U.S. President’s tactics using drone strikes against American enemies extremely inspiring. “In fact,” President Schapiro said, “I am releasing an NU executive order right at this moment, and yes, per the latest ASG legislation nobody has read, I can do that, that the university administration is hereby allowed to launch drones against the enemies of the university.” The new

University Shuttles to Run Only When You’re Not There

February 16, 2013 Noah Rawitz Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Students such as yourself have recently noticed that during winter months, campus shuttles will make their stops only when you’re not waiting at one of them. University officials have confirmed this phenomenon. “Part of this new policy comes from the extra snow we’ve been getting. It makes for slower routes and delayed stop times,” said Jack Colhoff, a University Services representative. “But it’s mostly to build character.” Colhoff said you’ll thank him later, because walking in single-digit weather

Denied Early Decision Applicant Demands Racial Quotas Be Reinstated

February 15, 2013 Dan Weinberg Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Sally Evans, currently a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant senior at Richard B. Russell High School, received a rejection letter from Northwestern after applying early decision. After mulling it over for several weeks, she decided Thursday to take a stand for what is right. “I’m not racist,” the teen said. “I just don’t think it’s fair that I worked so hard and still didn’t get into Northwestern. If the quotas from the ‘60s were still in place, this never would’ve

Diaries of Ten ‘Bachelor’ Contestants Contain “Eerily Identical Narratives”

February 15, 2013 Bethany DeLong One comment

AGOURA HILLS, CA — In an amazing feat of dramatic explosion after being rejected by the “one true love of [her] life,” a bachelor contestant managed to tear up the entire multi-million dollar hosting mansion, leaving in her wake a mess of cosmetics, champagne flutes, and anti-depressants. Among the debris lay a pile of notebooks, each cover plastered with Lisa Frank stickers, kissy lip prints, and “Live, Laugh, Love” mottos: the diaries of the contestants chronicling their Bachelor experience. The

A Valentine’s Day Poem

February 14, 2013 Sam Block Leave a comment

“I fucking hate Valentine’s Day,” Said junior Peggy Ann McKay. “I have six midterms tomorrow, For DM, I must donate my marrow. My roommate is such a great bore, Dating that bro two years or more. It’s much more fun to be a whore, That’s what living in Bobb is for! They hold hands watching Netflix, They think iPhones are for self-pics. He bought her Franzia with his friend’s fake – I don’t know how much more I can take.

[Nostalgia Issue] A Retrospective from Your Forgotten Tamagotchi

February 14, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

THE BOX IN THE BACK CORNER UNDER YOUR BED — Salutations, my dear human. It’s been years since last we met, yet it was you who gave me life, so long ago, on the electronics aisle of Toys-R-Us. It was you whose jelly-covered fingers freed me from the confines of my tamago (that’s the Japanese word for egg, if you ever wondered) with just the press of an irritatingly small button. Nearly three lustra have elapsed since last you fed