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[Future Issue: 2161] Evidence of Life Discovered in Mexico

November 14, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Scientists have observed the presence of single-celled organisms in Mexico, inviting speculation that the arid wasteland may have sustained life at some point in the past, and could possibly be colonized in the future. Scientists were quick to caution against unbridled enthusiasm, noting that while thermal imaging has identified possible sources of water just under the surface, probe results have indicated that the soil is an estimated 40% benzoylmethylecgonine (cocaine) and 30% concentrated lead. The new discovery

[Future Issue: 2161] BK Introduces Extra-Super-Jumbo-Biggie-Large Size

November 13, 2011 Lauren Schneider Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In an effort to keep up with McDonald’s Super-Duper combo size, Burger King recently introduced the Extra-Super-Jumbo-Biggie-Large size. This new gigantic portion of food features a 3-pound bag of fries and a 136-ounce bucket of your favorite soft drink to complement your burger. Burger King CEO Mike Borowitz is pleased with the new size’s large success since its unveiling in Evanston last Friday, adding that the board of trustees knew the town would be the perfect neighborhood for

[Future Issue: 2161] Robot Jesus Reported Crucified

November 11, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

AUSTIN, TX – The lifeless body of Ultra Jesus 3000 has been retrieved from a cross at the summit of Comanche Peak. The 33-month old robot, hailed as the messiah of a fringe religious cult, is suspected to have been tortured and killed by a group of fundamentalist Christians, though early reports indicate that most Texans intend to blame the Jews anyway. The enigmatic robot has been shrouded in mystery since his date of programming, and many wild and varied

Parents Weekend to be Highlight of Lonely Freshman’s Quarter

November 11, 2011 Clare Roth Leave a comment

Parr mentions that he’s excited for the weekend because he and his parents get along famously and like all the same things. He notes a mutual love of sweaters, Reader’s Digest, and fiber.

Read more Local, No. 67

Morty Reveals Personal Ten Year Plan

November 11, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

In addition to releasing the ten year plan for NU, President Schapiro also unveiled his personal plans for the next decade. His agenda is below: 2011: I’ll kick things off with a little guest appearance on the new Chet Haze track. That’s right. My bro Chester and I bout to make dem hoes WET. We call it “President Kush” 2012: I hear the world is supposed to end. I plan to remedy this by containing all of the floods and

Read more Local, No. 67

NU Sororities Protest Kim Kardashian’s Divorce

November 11, 2011 Laken Howard 2 comments

EVANSTON — After news broke of Kim Kardashian’s decision to divorce husband of 72 days Kris Humphries, picketers have overrun Northwestern’s sorority quad. Wishing to show their disapproval of the divorce, sorority girls are all coming together to attempt to form a coherent opinion about something in the news. Sophomore Ashley Carroll of Kappa Gamma stated, “I just don’t think it’s fair that Kim is disappointing all her fans by getting a divorce. It just sets a bad example for

Read more Local, No. 67

Students Excited for Money, Food, and Clothes Weekend

November 11, 2011 Steven Goldstein Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Northwestern students are eagerly anticipating the annual Money, Food and Clothes Weekend, which will take place this year from November 11-13. The money, food and clothes will be flying and driving from all around the country, some even traveling overseas to reach campus. The money, food and clothes will accompany students to this weekend’s home football game against Rice; a few commodities will sit in on Friday afternoon lectures. These valuables will also ask their students if they

Read more Local, No. 67

Former Heavyweight Champ Joe Frazier Dies after Fight with Liver Cancer

November 11, 2011 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In a shocking turn of events, boxing icon Joe Frazier finally succumbed to his injuries sustained from liver cancer this past Monday. Although many know of his exploits on the canvas, few are aware that the 5’11” champ was hell-bent on “taking out cancer”. Shortly after he retired, and against the direct advice of many professionals, he began a campaign to “beat cancer the only way I know how: with my fists”. Frazier became notorious in certain hospital circles

Medill Students Uncover UChicago Plot to Suck the Fun Out of Evanston

November 11, 2011 Alejandro Marichal Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A team of students from Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism released a report Tuesday revealing a widespread conspiracy by the University of Chicago to suck the fun out of Evanston. According to the report, numerous members of the Evanston City Council had close ties to UChicago, whose students often jokingly refer to their alma mater as “where fun goes to die.” The administrators apparently received substantial campaign contributions from members of the university’s administration. In turn, the UChicago

Read more Local, No. 67

Kim Kardashian Goes as Gold-Digger for Halloween

November 11, 2011 Lauren Schneider One comment

LOS ANGELES – Needlessly famous woman Kim Kardashian decided to go all-out this past Halloween. On October 31, 2011, in an effort to complete her (sexy) gold-digger costume, Kardashian wore black Victoria’s Secret lingerie, a $2 million engagement ring, and filed for divorce from her ridiculously overpaid husband Kris Humphries. Humphries, a player for the NBA, was utterly shocked. “She just waltzed right in wearing nothing but lingerie and waved the divorce petition around like it was some sort of