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4000-Year-Old NU Student Found Preserved in Norris Ice Rink

January 16, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

EVANSTON – During last week’s heat wave, the sheets of ice on top of the Norris ice rink melted away, allowing a Northwestern student to make a startling discovery: the frozen corpse of an NU student dated at 4000 years old. “This is a fantastic find,” explained NU professor Dr. Harry Tooth, “The remarkably well-preserved state of the body will give us a great idea of what college life was like during the dawn of man.” Tooth explained that the

Rex Ryan Eats Words, Adds Salt and Butter

January 15, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“I’ve tasted da feet…I mean, defeat, before…but this was a tough one to swallow,” the coach remarked. “They…I mean, it…left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.”

Diversity Initiative Prompts Sororities to Accept Marginally Less Stereotypical Sisters

January 13, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON — With doomsday approaching at the end of 2012, people and communities are desperately seeking ways to do good and collect some positive karma. Northwestern University’s Panhellenic Association (PHA) is no exception. At the last Greek Life Summit, the Panhellenic board decreed that the sororities had to diversify their new pledge class, encouraging them to select members that are drastically different from the existing sisters. When asked if they believed the chapters would find this new law difficult to

The Devil Inside Fails to Satisfy

January 12, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Last Friday night, I set off to experience the hotly anticipated film event, The Devil Inside. I have to admit, I didn’t know what to expect the first time; half of my girl friends had already frequently experienced The Devil Inside and found it quite pleasurable, but I did know a few others who said they would’ve rather been entertained by The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. It was rough from the very beginning. There was no build-up

After Poor Iowa Performance, Lizard People to Reconsider Campaign

January 12, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

DES MOINES — After receiving only 6 votes in the Iowa Caucus, lizard people said they will return to the marshes to reassess their candidacy. The decision was revealed in a speech delivered to the reptilians’ supporters who gathered in the campaign’s headquarter in Des Moines. “Hissss… Shsssh shhh hisss hssssss…. I’m sorry, there must be some technical difficulties here.” said one of the lizard people while adjusting the microphone. “It’s hard to say that we’re not disappointed by the

Brett Ratner to Vote on Excellence in Film

January 12, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES – As Oscar season 2012 kicks off, desperate film producers have launched “For Your Consideration” ads aimed squarely at currying favor with Brett Ratner. The 42-year old filmmaker’s opinion, in a bizarre twist of fate, is considered not only relevant but actually equal to that of Martin Scorsese or half of the Coen brothers. The X-Men 3 director, whose soulless blockbuster films and derogatory comments against gays have earned him near-universal scorn, said that he sees nothing wrong

Iowans Quietly Go Back to Being Irrelevant

January 12, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

DES MOINES – At precisely 11:33 PM on January 4th, citizens across the state of Iowa unobtrusively returned to being unnecessary. This shift happened as the final votes in the Republican Caucus were tallied, and it was determined that the winner was Mitt Romney by 8 votes. Back in the natural state they reside in between each caucus, Iowans took a collective sigh of relief as they could stop pretending to be politically conscious and stop pretending to have what

Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Wins GOP Iowa Caucus

January 12, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

The evil and untrustworthy American government refused to comment on this great victory for The Most Prodigious Consumer of Kimchi.

Fraternities, Sororities Show Freshmen How Cool They Are by Not Hanging Out With Opposite Gender for a Week

January 12, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In an effort to get students to join their social club, Northwestern’s fraternities and sororities did not interact across the gender divide during rush week. Promising a better social life, fraternity members spent the week eating with a bunch of other guys, engaging in all-male sumo wrestling, and abstaining from alcohol. Occasionally, students were granted admittance to a fraternity, resulting in a bunch of guys running outside, touching each other in close quarters, and singing songs. McCormick Freshmen

Fantasy Sorority League Sweeps Northwestern

January 11, 2012 Flippy One comment

EVANSTON – As Northwestern students are welcomed back to school for the 2012 winter quarter, people are looking forward to the new crop of pledges into the Greek system. However, some NU students are participating in a new fad sweeping the nation, the Fantasy Sorority League, or FSL for short. Based on more well-known fantasy sports, such as fantasy football or baseball, the FSL records important statistics from both the pledging side and the recruiting side of the sorority recruitment