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Earthquake Hits Chile, U.S. out of Fundraising Ideas

March 3, 2010 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

SANTIAGO, CHILE—The earthquake that ravaged Chile this week has left millions of philanthropists confused. After contributing all their efforts to Haiti, people seem to have no charitable spunk left. After countless bakesales, Hulu ads, piggy-bank smashings, and illegal bootleggings for Haiti, people just don’t have any money left to give to Chile – or, for that matter, the desire to do so. CNN, in a desperate effort to stay hip, tried to rally their followers with tweets like “sux 4

Student Voted ‘Most Likely to Succeed’ Already Failing

March 3, 2010 Nate Carroll Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson disappointed his high school graduating class on Monday when he received a failing grade on his macro-economics midterm exam, earning only 23 points out of a possible 50. Only 6 months prior, the 382 seniors of Krawson’s Washburn High School in San Diego, California had voted him the male student “most likely to succeed.” In his position as senior class president at Washburn, Krawson was well-liked for reducing detentions by 40% and for planning “the best

UChicago Sends Rejected Applicants “Congratulation” Letters

March 3, 2010 Nick Zessis 3 comments

CHICAGO—Often found fantasizing about what life would be like if he got into his college of choice, Stanford University, area high school senior Sam Nix was pleasantly surprised when he visited his mailbox Tuesday afternoon. It did not contain a letter from the private school in Palo Alto, CA, but a big packet was waiting from the University of Chicago. Largely unknown to commoners, this university is credited to starting nuclear warfare (and is subsequently blamed for the failure of

Men’s Figure Skating Fashion Round Up

March 1, 2010 Katie Singh Leave a comment

From the Northwestern Flipside Olympics correspondent. Find out who were the best and worst dressed male figure skaters.

Illegal Canadian Population Reaches 6

February 24, 2010 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

FORT KENT, ME—In a stunning turn of events from the White House this past week, the president has been partially pulled back to the border debates of yesteryear with the latest in the shocking development that yet another Canadian had made it past the notorious 5 foot stretch between Canada and the US known in some circles as “The Maple Express.” This is the first time in this millennium that one of our “snowy brethren” from the north has made

Student’s Facebook Mysteriously Undergoes Massive Changes All at Once

February 24, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Around 3:30 a.m. on Friday, Northwestern sophomore Alec Miller overhauled his Facebook, including changing his interests to men, his status to “I love the smell of dick in the morning” and his birthday to that day. “I no we have nott spoken in monkths,” writes Miller on his ex-girlfriend’s wall, “but my tiny dick misses you. XOXOXO.” “I’m gay now,” he posted right after. Miller also decided to rekindle relationships by starting chats with people from high school whose friend

Knicks Replace Team with Life-Size Replicas

February 24, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

NEW YORK—In an effort to further reduce payroll, the Knicks have traded all of their remaining players for cheaper replicas. The replicas are life size models and realistic in nearly every respect. It takes a very trained eye to notice the difference. Avid Knicks fan Spike Lee has been attending games for years and only recently discovered that former Knick Nate Robinson was just an inflatable doll. When asked for details on the deal, Team President Donnie Walsh called it

NU Unveils Updated iPhone App, Enables Direct Chat With Morty

February 20, 2010 Amanda Simmons Leave a comment

EVANSTON—NAGS (Northwestern’s Annoying Geek Squad) released NU’s iPhone app version 1.3333 (repeating) yesterday in order to fix bugs in the old system and add more student-friendly features. “Our first priority was to fix minor problems and glitches within the software. The most obvious error was an unfortunate spelling error in ‘Lunt Hall’ on the GPS map,” said head developer Smith Bergman. “Students also requested that we add ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ to the campus events calendar. I assume that’s an ASG initiative

Diary of Anne Frank Stored Away in Secret Annex

February 20, 2010 Chase Sund Leave a comment

CULPEPPER, VA—Parents in the Culpepper County school system have called for a ban of Anne Frank’s erotic novel, The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition. Based on the accounts of a young Jewish girl, the book contains some of the Frank’s most sexually explicit thoughts. Reportedly, a passage made mention of the female reproductive organ, which Frank refers to as a “vagina.” Naturally, this raised major concern among parents whose children attended the district’s schools. “My daughter is

Medill 2030 Shifts Focus to Students Pursuing Other More Profitable Careers

February 20, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON—With newspapers more commonly used nowadays to cover up Keg-induced vomit or Stephen Demos’ tears, the Medill School of Journalism announced yesterday that it plans to alter its curriculum to keep pace with the modern world. Medill 2030 gets rid of the old stuff nobody cares about (like writing and reporting), replacing its previous curricula with accounting, biochemical engineering and law—professions that actually have jobs available. “We call it New Journalism,” explained Medill Dean Levine. “The emphasis tends to be