Obama Pardons Turkey; Gitmo Detainees Still Waiting
Category Archives: Politics
White House Shooter Takes Metonymy Literally
WASHINGTON – Last Wednesday, Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez fired a semiautomatic rifle at the White House, expecting to slay the building and take down the government. “I kept hearing on the news these crazy things the White House was doing,” said Ortega-Hernandez. “Katie Couric told me that ‘The White House finally passed its healthcare overhaul.’ Brian Williams reported, ‘The White House ordered plane strikes on Libya last week.’ It’s obvious the White House is responsible for the stupid liberal agenda that’s
Occupy Oakland Moves to San Francisco
“We’re out here protesting for real American jobs, not Oakland jobs.”
“Joe the Plumber” Launches Presidential Bid; Rick Perry Still Dumbest GOP Candidate
TOLEDO, OH – Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber,” unexpectedly announced Thursday his plans to challenge Obama in the 2012 presidential election. John McCain and Sarah Palin used “Joe the Plumber” as a metaphor for the middle class in the 2008 presidential election, so Wurzelbacher already enjoys nationwide name recognition. His platform focuses entirely on bad plumbing puns and one promise: “They’re not going to catch me in a lie.” One political commentator pointed out that an
Mid-speech, Herman Cain Runs Out of Pizza Analogies
PALM BEACH, FL. – GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain struggled to finish his speech to the seniors at Maple Oaks Retirement Community yesterday after he ran out of ways to compare the United States to pizza. “Um… well, really, what we need to focus on is speedy delivery,” Caine said, wiping his sweaty forehead. “The government is like… well, it’s kind of like if a pizza delivery guy had to ride a bike instead of drive a car.” Cain apologized
Obama Discussed As Dark-Horse GOP Presidential Candidate
WASHINGTON – With the first Republican primaries right around the corner and the current batch of Republican candidates offering the less-than-compelling choice between “the crazy one” and “the one who didn’t win last time,” the GOP has realized it will need a charismatic personality to dethrone sitting president Barack Obama. Specifically, they need former Illinois Senator Barack Obama. The possibility of an Obama run for the Republican nomination was first discussed by Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who claimed that
Authorities Fail to Confine Santorum
“Today, America’s parents can finally begin to sleep soundly, knowing that I, Rick Santorum, am watching the asses of America’s youth.”
Texas Inmates Breathe Sigh Of Relief As Perry Helps Them Shave Off Pounds
SAN ANTONIO, TX — Standing like a triumphant Davy Crockett outside the most historical, revered building in all of the great nation of Texas, with the Denny’s sign brilliantly aglow behind his coifed locks, Governor Rick Perry spoke about his new plan to cut last meals for death row inmates. “No more will we have to bear the brunt of ragamuffin, tarnation-filled, yellow-bellied allegations that Texans are overweight. These inmates just have to learn to cut back.” Despite some uproar
I Still Can’t Believe You Never Found Those Emails
By Richard M. Daley, Former Mayor of Chicago First, I need to thank the journalists. Your utter complacency and lack of fortitude has allowed me to complete my 22-year tenure without a single earth-shattering revelation of absolute corruption or depravity that could have marred this otherwise immaculate career. I mean, fuck, people! This is Illinois! This is Chicago! I bought out the last honest politician twenty years ago! Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been skimming funds since day one, but you’re
Dept. of Defense to Release Intel on Locating Pakistan
“‘Americans have the right to know how we’ve been working to protect them, spending ten long years for Pakistan’s exact location,’ said Anton Brownstone, who has been charge of the search since the early years of the Bush administration. . . Brownstone explained that it was his team who finally found Pakistan ‘hiding’ slightly above the Indian subcontinent.”