Pro Bowl 2011: AFC Quarterbacks Throw More Interceptions Than Completions; No One Cares
Category Archives: Sports
Jay Cutler Now an Aries, Doomed to Lose to Packers
CHICAGO – The Chicago Bears organization announced Tuesday that quarterback Jay Cutler would never again defeat the Green Bay Packers due to the realignment of the zodiac. According to head coach Lovie Smith, team psychic Mademoiselle Estrelanga Strelengelthop completed her analysis of what the stars have in store for the Bears Monday evening, when the alignment of Jupiter and Sirius was conducive to productive astrologizing. The results were not good for Bears fans. “Since we finally realized that the zodiac
Auburn Wins All the Tostitos in the World
At press time, the street price per ounce of Tostitos chips had shot up to $1,200, leading to a resurgence of the phrase “Worth its weight in cocaine.”
Northwestern Already Trailing 21-0 in Next Year’s Bowl Game
“It seemed right that we should let the other team score a few times before the game started.”
Baseball Proves Football Superior to Hockey, says New Yorker
NEW YORK—The baseball season officially reached its end last Monday when the Giants won the World Series over the Rangers in five games. Experts cite many factors supporting the outcome, such as the Giants’ deep pitching staff, their home-field advantage, and their timely hitting. However, one fan from Queens, NY uses a much simpler reason to explain why the Giants beat the Rangers: “Hockey sucks”. “You agree, right? Hockey does suck compared to football,” continued New Yorker Marissa Miller. “Football
Giants Win World Series, San Francisco Too Blazed to Give a Shit
SAN FRANCISCO—When Brian Wilson recorded the final out of San Francisco’s Game 5 victory over the Walker Texas Rangers, the entire city was thrown into euphoria. The celebration, however, was not a result of the Giants winning the World Series for the first time since the Fifties. More importantly, the day marked 44 years and three weeks since the Beach Boys released “Good Vibrations.” “It’s a well-known fact that the Beach Boys and Mary Jane is a more American combination
“Don’t Worry, Cubs Will Win Super Bowl Someday,” Reports Area Girlfriend
CHICAGO—While watching the popular Fox show Glee, Abbey Ladder misinterpreted her boyfriend’s apparent disgust for the show. “I know it’s got a lot of singing in it, but it’s really not as gay as you say it is,” Abbey protested to Gary Bender, her boyfriend of one year. It was not the show that was bothering him, but one of the promotions for postseason baseball. “Not seeing the Cubs in the World Series always instills an unwavering anger in me.
Marathon Junkie ODs On “Runner’s High”
CHICAGO—Celebrations at Sunday’s Bank of America Chicago Marathon came to a crashing halt when one of the participants suffered from a runner’s high overdose. Thomas Peters, 36, collapsed when his muscles ceased to function just before the twentieth mile marker. He was promptly carted off to Rush Medical Center, where he was treated and is currently in stable condition. Peters, a self-proclaimed “marathon junkie,” has run in over 300 marathons during his lifetime, including 40 races in the last twelve
Demos Makes Field Goal, Parts Red Sea
Stefan Demos kicked a 45-yard game-tying field goal for Northwestern Saturday as angels ascended onto Ryan Field and Jesus appeared on the sideline to give Pat Fitzgerald a high-five.
Cubs, Ricketts Turn Ushers into Billboards
CHICAGO—Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told the Chicago Tribune that he’s found a new way to bring in revenue to the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. Instead of fighting for ad space in and around historic Wrigley Field, Ricketts says he can help lessen the effect of declining attendance through walking billboards. “The ushers have always been a part of the unique ‘Friendly Confines’ experience,” a spokesman for the Ricketts family told The Flipside. “Now, they’ll play an even