Tag Archives: ETHS

Sadistic Mayfest Exec Board Tortures Students, Announces Headliner Saturday Night

EVANSTON — In an effort to sadistically torture Northwestern students, Mayfest decided to announce that Wu-Tang Clan is headlining Dillo Day only seconds before the iconic rap group took the stage on Saturday. The decision was made in part because the concert organizing board has a really sick and twisted desire to play with the hearts and minds of both music enthusiasts and borderline alcoholics alike, not to mention the entirety of ETHS and cool moms everywhere. “Creating a really

70-Year-Old CSO Successfully Prevents a Crime

EVANSTON – Jack Weller, a Community Service Officer working the Wednesday-evening night shift in the Foster-Walker lobby, was honored by the Evanston Police Department Tuesday for unprecedented heroics. Weller is now the first CSO in over a decade to actually thwart an ongoing crime, a task that the celebrated hero attributed to “I have no idea how that actually worked.” According to reports filed with the EPD, John Weller was unobtrusively reading at the front desk when he heard shouts