Tag Archives: Jesus

Stop listening to Lorde and starting listening to the Lord #godbless

Leave a comment

On Wednesday night, every sad girl and gay rose from their slumber to stream the new song by Charli XCX Lorde. As a NOT gay person, I took a listen myself and noticed that the song was quite inappropriate and
unholy. In the first line of the chorus, she sings about taking MDMA and smoking the “best cigarette of [her] life”…uh, promoting hard drugs? Only a few days after Easter? I don’t think so! Besides, we all know poppers are the better choice

Read more Featured, Headline, Local, Nation, No. 408, Year 18

I Don’t Agree with Markwell: Fraiche Cinnamon Bombs are Delicious

Leave a comment

Our campus exploded with debate this week over the “I agree with Markwell” campaign that was chalked across the sidewalks. While I believe that Markwell certainly has some valid points regarding theism and divinity, we must also consider that Fraiche Café’s Cinnamon Bomb cupcakes are delicious. Perhaps Jesus Christ can lead me to an afterlife of eternal happiness, but each Cinnamon Bomb leads me to spice rack nirvana when it explodes with flavorful holiness in my mouth. And He can

Read more Local, No. 81, Opinion

Jesus’ Face on Toast Turns Out to be Flesh-Eating Fungus

Leave a comment

FRANKFORT, KY – Adam Curtis found new religious convictions Thursday when he noticed that the burn-marks on his toast formed the image of his lord and savior Jesus Christ. The “burn-marks,” however, later proved to be a new type of deadly fungus, since named Corpus devoratus. “I was scramblin’ eggs while my toast was toastin’,” said Curtis, his eyes twinkling with his recently-discovered love of God, his cheeks black and decaying with the mold that will soon cause his death.

Read more Nation, No. 78, Sci/Tech

[Future Issue: 2161] Robot Jesus Reported Crucified

Leave a comment

AUSTIN, TX – The lifeless body of Ultra Jesus 3000 has been retrieved from a cross at the summit of Comanche Peak. The 33-month old robot, hailed as the messiah of a fringe religious cult, is suspected to have been tortured and killed by a group of fundamentalist Christians, though early reports indicate that most Texans intend to blame the Jews anyway. The enigmatic robot has been shrouded in mystery since his date of programming, and many wild and varied

Read more No. 68, Sci/Tech, World

SCAPE Project Interrupted By Second Coming of Christ

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Last Sunday Northwestern University freshmen were forced by the Evanston mayor to pretend they give a rat’s ass and volunteer in their new community through the inaugural SCAPE Project. However, the students were interrupted in their attempted philanthropy by Jesus’ return to Earth. Despite their moaning and bitching about the probable rainfall, disgruntled students, after awakening from the comas Mayor Tisdahl’s speech had put them into, were herded out into downtown Evanston early Sunday morning to “Give Back,

Read more Local, No. 62
« Older Entries