In a revelation that has scandalized American evangelicals and other communities suffering from elevated rates of neurosis, Jesus Christ announced in a Xweet that the long-awaited Second Coming indeed took place midday Tuesday.
A Northwestern student woke up on September 23rd expecting to find a dinosaur in her dorm room, ready to end her time on the mortal plane.
On Wednesday night, every sad girl and gay rose from their slumber to stream the new song by Charli XCX Lorde. As a NOT gay person, I took a listen myself and noticed that the song was quite inappropriate andâŠunholy. In the first line of the chorus, she sings about taking MDMA and smoking the âbest cigarette of [her] lifeâ…uh, promoting hard drugs? Only a few days after Easter? I donât think so! Besides, we all know poppers are the better choice
âThe sunglasses definitely drew me in, but then I was being asked if I wanted a personal relationship with God in order to rid me of my sins, and I thought, âwhy the hell not?ââ
Who needs compassion and understanding between disparate societies when you can have Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in breath-taking evening gowns telling jokes to other millionaires?
Our campus exploded with debate this week over the âI agree with Markwellâ campaign that was chalked across the sidewalks. While I believe that Markwell certainly has some valid points regarding theism and divinity, we must also consider that Fraiche CafĂ©âs Cinnamon Bomb cupcakes are delicious. Perhaps Jesus Christ can lead me to an afterlife of eternal happiness, but each Cinnamon Bomb leads me to spice rack nirvana when it explodes with flavorful holiness in my mouth. And He can
FRANKFORT, KY â Adam Curtis found new religious convictions Thursday when he noticed that the burn-marks on his toast formed the image of his lord and savior Jesus Christ. The âburn-marks,â however, later proved to be a new type of deadly fungus, since named Corpus devoratus. âI was scramblin’ eggs while my toast was toastin’,â said Curtis, his eyes twinkling with his recently-discovered love of God, his cheeks black and decaying with the mold that will soon cause his death.
AUSTIN, TX â The lifeless body of Ultra Jesus 3000 has been retrieved from a cross at the summit of Comanche Peak. The 33-month old robot, hailed as the messiah of a fringe religious cult, is suspected to have been tortured and killed by a group of fundamentalist Christians, though early reports indicate that most Texans intend to blame the Jews anyway. The enigmatic robot has been shrouded in mystery since his date of programming, and many wild and varied
EVANSTON â Last Sunday Northwestern University freshmen were forced by the Evanston mayor to pretend they give a ratâs ass and volunteer in their new community through the inaugural SCAPE Project. However, the students were interrupted in their attempted philanthropy by Jesusâ return to Earth. Despite their moaning and bitching about the probable rainfall, disgruntled students, after awakening from the comas Mayor Tisdahlâs speech had put them into, were herded out into downtown Evanston early Sunday morning to âGive Back,