Polynomial Equation Factored Down to Teeny-Tiny Quadratic During Math Burlesque
“He ripped off factors, canceled like terms in his numerator and denominator … and let me say, his denominator was not bad at all.â
Monthly Archives: April 2018
Model UN Report: Russian Federation Gets First-Ever Handjob from Mexico
“Neither the size of Powellâs dick in particular nor the horniness of the Eastern Bloc ambassadors more generally should take away from our efforts to provide security and prosperity to the world,â the high school senior said.
Bandit The Raccoon To Receive Honorary Degree At Commencement
âWe are honored to present Bandit âthe Outdoor Roombaâ with this degree,â stated university President Morton Shapiro, âthis little trash thief is singlehandedly reducing each of our carbon footprints and we feel itâs time to recognize his achievements.â
Area Freshman âChanged Manâ after Meeting Sophia the Dominatrix
Though the free condoms and candy of Northwesternâs Sex Week have come and gone, its effects on the student body have only just begun to be felt â and explored.
Northwestern Unveils New Slogan: âYum Yum Yum Money Money Money Yum Money Yumâ
âWe wanted to distance ourselves from this debate over work culture and proper mental care to focus on what we think the university really stands for. Money.â
Facebook Rebuilding Trust With Users by Showing Them Everything It Knows About Them
âAs if I didnât trust Facebook enough already,â said Ted Damon, area father, âI can definitely put my faith in it now that itâs showing me how well it knows me.â Prompted for clarification, Damon said, âWho doesnât love a business that listens to its customers?â
Zuckerberg Seeks Respite on Warm Rock During Testimony
“He needs the sun to raise his body temperature to the optimal algorithm-writing temperature.â
“Havana” Likely Playing In Plex Dining Hall Right Now
âEvery time I hear her go âHavana ooh nana,â a little part of me dies inside, and I feel my soul slowly wither away.”
J.B. Pritzker Caught Using Campaign Funds for Jowl Reduction Surgery
“It was all done to help the campaign. Seriously, why donât you try giving a speech with two plastic bags hanging off the sides of your face?”
Frontera Fresco In Norris Now Open Just 15 Minutes A Week
Beginning this quarter, the Frontera Fresco Mexican grill located in the Norris Center will now be open just fifteen minutes a week, from 4:30 A.M. to 4:45 A.M.