A&O Ball Mosh Pit 90% Swaying, 10% Frat Boys Itching To Punch A Woman
“If I get arrested one more time, my parents are gonna cut my allowance to only 5k a month.”
“They Cut Me Out, And Now It’s Time To Pay,” Cackles A Third Johnson In New Blackmail Video
“Because of my unbeatable toe fungus, I was the one voted out of the company.”
Op-Ed: There Are So Many Numbers Out There… Letters, Not So Much
We can mash numbers together to make even bigger numbers… but we can’t make “more letters.” Those are just words.
Diddy laments with cellmate Maduro: “my oil also got snatched”
In what legal experts are calling an “unlikely but thematically coherent” meeting of disgraced music mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs and former Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro were overheard commiserating with over the loss of their respective oil reserves. According to sources familiar with the matter, the two men—now housed in the same federal detention facility—bonded over what Combs described as “the experience of watching something viscous, valuable, and deeply personal get taken from you by forces you don’t respect.” “For him,
A Day In My Life As The Ping Pong Paddle On Set Of Marty Supreme
It’s 7:00 AM. I’m ripped out my case. They call them props people, but to me, they’re my captors.
Op-Ed: We Would Have Had a Holiday Party if SOMEBODY Had Just Called it a Christmas Party
President Lesmerises, whose scorn for fun was made clear ever since her first order as President to cancel the spring break trip to Punta Cana, announced from her high horse that the plans for the annual Flipside Holiday Party had been cancelled by her and her alone.
Studies Indicate Millions of Americans Cannot Locate Vulva on a Globe
Americans woke up with shock to the news that US forces captured Nicolás Maduro, the President of the South American country of Vulva.
US Agrees to Sell Saudi Arabia Advanced Cruise Missiles with Warheads Small Enough That They Only Kill Specific Yemeni Children Rather Than the Entire School Bus
The missile allows for extremely precise targeting, which is crucial where the mission calls only for one or two children on board a school bus to be killed.
Black Friday abolished after DEI takedown, renamed to Aryan Friday
Just a few days before Black Friday, the best holiday of consumerist America, President Donald Trump released some shocking news at an impromptu address to the nation. “Why should those people have an entire Friday to themselves? The best day of the week shouldn’t be used to promote certain agendas.” The president commented, “We need a new name for it. One that celebrates the true essence of this nation and what we stand for. One that promotes OUR agenda.” Stores
BREAKING: Officially Open For Debate On Next Issue to Shut Down Over, Experts Claim Congress has Reached its “Flow State”
Typically achieved only by the pinnacle of elegant fluidity, such as an undried up waterfall or a Gen Z content creator navigating a McDonald’s kiosk, the “flow state” has been dubbed by Congressional leaders as the “most sought-after” state to be in.
From the Near Future: Ambassador to the UN Nicki Minaj Performs “Anaconda” in Front of the General Assembly to Raise Awareness of Falling Birth Rates in Developed Countries
Although less catchy than the original, the new lyrics “My demographics down, they ain’t rebouncin’ now, lawmakers frown, askin’, ‘Where’s each newborn from?’” seemed to instantly capture the attention of the assembly members.
Dick Cheney Begins Search for Saddam Hussein’s Hiding Spot in Heaven
This story will be updated as the hunt for Saddam Hussein’s spirit continues.