A&O Ball Mosh Pit 90% Swaying, 10% Frat Boys Itching To Punch A Woman
“If I get arrested one more time, my parents are gonna cut my allowance to only 5k a month.”
“They Cut Me Out, And Now It’s Time To Pay,” Cackles A Third Johnson In New Blackmail Video
“Because of my unbeatable toe fungus, I was the one voted out of the company.”
Forno Pizza Faces Campus Backlash After Unveiling New Slogan “Oh Yeah, Put It In Your Dirty Little Mouth”
In a disgusting, but also kinda hot, move, Forno Pizza has faced recent backlash amongst Northwestern students after unveiling their new slogan.
Local Empath Helps out Homeless Woman and Child by Matching Pieces of Furniture to Build Better Pieces of Furniture to Decorate Their Shack
Ms. Path felt she should use her time and money to assist this poor family. Redhead Child is freezing! So, she immediately downloaded the app (for $4.99) and got to work.
Student Punished for Line Violation at Porno Pizza; Hammurabi’s Code Invoked.
On Wednesday afternoon, a female student at Porno Pizza committed the grave error of approaching the personal pie line while intending to order a slice. Eyewitnesses report that she was immediately seized and escorted to the rear of the establishment, where staff administered the punishment prescribed by the Porno Code, an adaptation of Hammurabi’s ancient legal statutes codified in grease-stained laminate. According to witnesses, the student pleaded for leniency. “I just wanted a slice,” she reportedly said. “I didn’t know.”
Frances Searle Hall, Foster-Walker Complex, and other Northwestern Panopticons
Fortunately, the buildings are already designed to allow them to monitor many more students with much less manpower.
Jesus Announces That No One Qualified for Rapture
In a revelation that has scandalized American evangelicals and other communities suffering from elevated rates of neurosis, Jesus Christ announced in a Xweet that the long-awaited Second Coming indeed took place midday Tuesday.
Northwestern University Institutes New Sustainability Policy: Frats Recycling Same 5 Themes for the Quarter
Other mashups have been even less successful, including “Anything but Clothes but Also Business Casual” when three pledges simply stapled ties to their balls.
Fever-Induced Chills A Problem No Longer: Trump Declares Global Warming As Medicinal Substitute For Tylenol
With a Big Mac in one hand, and a concept of a plan in the other, the President got to work
“That’s just the slippery slope fallacy,” says 2nd monkey jumping on the bed before falling off and bumping his head
“What happened to the first monkey jumping on the bed, while tragic, is in no way indicative of any wider trend. As long as we avoid his recklessness and stay away from the edge of the bed, I see no way that we can suffer a similar fate.” That quote was from Allen, the second monkey jumping on the bed, after his good friend, Sam, another monkey, had fallen off and bumped his head. Sam was diagnosed with a second-degree
Trump Announces the Release of the EpiPen Files after RFK Jr. Announces that Food Allergies Cause Autism
Yesterday, the EpiPen files were released, concluding an RFK Jr.-ordered investigation that determined food allergies to be the root cause of autism.
Breaking: Girl finds out that the rapture has nothing to do with velociraptors “I thought it was, like, the same thing?”
A Northwestern student woke up on September 23rd expecting to find a dinosaur in her dorm room, ready to end her time on the mortal plane.