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Mid-speech, Herman Cain Runs Out of Pizza Analogies

October 17, 2011 Richie Hoffman Leave a comment

PALM BEACH, FL. – GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain struggled to finish his speech to the seniors at Maple Oaks Retirement Community yesterday after he ran out of ways to compare the United States to pizza. “Um… well, really, what we need to focus on is speedy delivery,” Caine said, wiping his sweaty forehead. “The government is like… well, it’s kind of like if a pizza delivery guy had to ride a bike instead of drive a car.” Cain apologized

Survey Shows Majority of NU Students “Tired of This Bullshit”

October 17, 2011 Richie Hoffman Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A study done by the Department of Psychology revealed that Northwestern students have increasingly “had it with this stupid fucking shit,” researcher Don Kranz said. In a sentiment brought about by “this whole goddamned mess,” it appears that Northwestern students are increasingly threatening to “say fuck it and go to state school.” “Every day, it’s just a constant shit blizzard, and it’s like I forgot my fucking boots, and I’m just wading through this giant shit storm,” an

New York Marathon Longer than Chicago Marathon, Says New Yorker

October 17, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Other New Yorkers complained about the modest times most Midwesterners ran. Several felt they received way too much elbow room and that it was uncomfortable to have people actually looking in their direction.

Freshmen Attend Football Game, Expect to Win

October 12, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Steve Jobs’ Dialysis Machine Was a PC

October 12, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Sexual Assault Awareness Group Receives 300K of Federal Money—Totally Not Suspicious

October 12, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

In a completely understandable move in the midst of the largest recession of the past seventy years, the US Federal Government gave $300,000 to Northwestern’s Campus Coalition on Sexual Violence. Spokesperson for the US Department of Justice, Paul Barts, commented that the use of the funds was absolutely, totally legitimate, as politicians and governmental workers never take bribes or keep people quiet with money. Joseph Gupta, the head of a campus group called United Conspiracy Theorists, says the money is

Obama Discussed As Dark-Horse GOP Presidential Candidate

October 10, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – With the first Republican primaries right around the corner and the current batch of Republican candidates offering the less-than-compelling choice between “the crazy one” and “the one who didn’t win last time,” the GOP has realized it will need a charismatic personality to dethrone sitting president Barack Obama. Specifically, they need former Illinois Senator Barack Obama. The possibility of an Obama run for the Republican nomination was first discussed by Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who claimed that

Yankees Pull Total Dick Move on Red Sox

October 10, 2011 Steven Goldstein Leave a comment

BOSTON – Major League Baseball’s investigation of the New York Yankees has finally concluded, with the official report ruling that the Bronx Bombers are still total douchebags. This examination came at the request of the Red Sox, who would not stop bitching about their historic September collapse. Believing that the Yanks fixed their regular-season finale against the Tampa Bay Rays, team representatives sent a formal request to commissioner Bud Selig, who was pleasantly surprised to learn that the playoffs had

Authorities Fail to Confine Santorum

October 10, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“Today, America’s parents can finally begin to sleep soundly, knowing that I, Rick Santorum, am watching the asses of America’s youth.”

Freshman Can’t Find Any Brothels, Asks “Where Dem Hoes At?”

October 10, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment