Time Traveler Attends Shaggy Concert, Mistakenly Thinks he’s Still Relevant
Morty’s Archnemesis City-Council-Man Once Again Threatens Northwestern
MORTY’S SECRET HIDEOUT – Resident superhero Morty, otherwise known as Morton Owen Schapiro, was called once again to fight the forces of evil when his archenemy City-Council-Man, threatened to “close all the brothels.” Morty, alerted to this danger by “Save the Brothels” signs around campus, immediately donned his superhero costume – a purple sweater, purple tights, and very cute rimless glasses – and went off to investigate. Before leaving his secret hideout (which this reporter can exclusively reveal to be
Castrated Boy Sinks Cup, Gets Balls Back
Girl tries to join Men Against Rape and Sexual Assault; No Means No
First Midterms to Be Administered on Second Day of Classes Starting Winter 2012
EVANSTON — Northwestern announced Tuesday that professors will be encouraged to administer midterms on the second day of classes starting in the year 2012. This new policy was made in response to the claim that Northwestern students have it easy with minimal midterms and do not live up to the reputation of the quarter system. When students voiced worries about what would be on these early exams, Professor Sarah Mangelsdorf, Dean of Weinberg, answered, “Anything anyone mentioned during Wildcat Welcome
Mid-speech, Herman Cain Runs Out of Pizza Analogies
PALM BEACH, FL. – GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain struggled to finish his speech to the seniors at Maple Oaks Retirement Community yesterday after he ran out of ways to compare the United States to pizza. “Um… well, really, what we need to focus on is speedy delivery,” Caine said, wiping his sweaty forehead. “The government is like… well, it’s kind of like if a pizza delivery guy had to ride a bike instead of drive a car.” Cain apologized
Survey Shows Majority of NU Students “Tired of This Bullshit”
EVANSTON – A study done by the Department of Psychology revealed that Northwestern students have increasingly “had it with this stupid fucking shit,” researcher Don Kranz said. In a sentiment brought about by “this whole goddamned mess,” it appears that Northwestern students are increasingly threatening to “say fuck it and go to state school.” “Every day, it’s just a constant shit blizzard, and it’s like I forgot my fucking boots, and I’m just wading through this giant shit storm,” an
New York Marathon Longer than Chicago Marathon, Says New Yorker
Other New Yorkers complained about the modest times most Midwesterners ran. Several felt they received way too much elbow room and that it was uncomfortable to have people actually looking in their direction.
Freshmen Attend Football Game, Expect to Win
Steve Jobs’ Dialysis Machine Was a PC