Students Rate Dining Hall Food Third Best Thing They’ve Eaten Today Behind Tears and Semen
“At least the first two come quickly.”
Author Archives: Flippy
“Being a Lightweight Saves Money,” Claims Vomiting Freshman
Sources say Tarver consumed only three standard drinks over two and a half hours on Saturday, though Tarver claims that he poured “like, a couple shots worth” of liquor into each of his disgusting vodka Sprites.
Air-Drying Freshman Maybe A Little Too Confident
“Towels are just so constricting, you know?” Stevens told the Flipside while sitting naked in a lounge.
Classes Cancelled as Morty Loses Key to Northwestern
“This definitely isn’t the first time Morty has had to cancel class due to his forgetfulness. One day during my sophomore year, we couldn’t have morning classes because Morty forgot to wake up the professors.”
Primal Scream Occurs Early This Year on National Boyfriend Day
The police report revealed countless moans of varying pitches and intensities accompanied by loud banging around 9 PM on Tuesday.
University Renames North and South Campus as Left Brain Campus and Right Brain Campus
“Who are we fooling with this ‘one cohesive campus’ bullshit?”, added an anonymous tour guide.
Diversity TND Teaches White Jewish Freshmen from the Chicago Area They’re Not Alone
Morty: “We have students from more Chicago suburbs than ever before; as a matter of fact, we only took 40 kids from ETHS this year!”
Happiness Club Stresses No Experience Necessary
Sophomore Brandon Wong says that he’s looking forward to another year and encourages students to give it a shot, even if joy “isn’t really their thing.”
Civil Engineering Students Finish Sheridan Construction in Cocaine Bender
“Straight lines of paint are much harder than straight lines of coke, y’know? I think we nailed it, though.”
Freshman Sees God through Complimentary Cru Glasses
“The sunglasses definitely drew me in, but then I was being asked if I wanted a personal relationship with God in order to rid me of my sins, and I thought, ‘why the hell not?’”