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[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Fab 5 Becomes Fab 4 After Susie Gets Braces

February 17, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The whole social order of Northshore Middle School changed dramatically the day Susie Donalds got her braces. She had apparently been keeping her impending defacement a secret, so it came as quite a shock to her former “bffeaeae” (translated from 7th grade speak, this means “best friends forever and ever and ever”), members of the “Fab 5” clique Tiffany, Brittany, Barbie and Kelly. “We just, like, didn’t know what to do,” clique leader Tiffany told us. “It was

Read more Articles, Entertainment, Local, No. 52

Words Can Bring Down Ex-Teen Pop Sensation

February 9, 2011 Tom Shimandle Leave a comment

“The only logical conclusion is that this woman is a member of a domestically based terrorist cell”

Winter’s Bone First Porno Nominated for Best Picture

February 9, 2011 Jay Calhoun One comment

Winter’s Bone: 2/4 star-shaped pasties Winter’s Bone tells the story of a teenage girl trying to find her daddy to save her house. Yeah, thats right, who’s your daddy, girl. Great start. Then some shit happens and a cop comes. This is where you expect it to start getting heavy, right? Nope! Instead of ripping off his uniform and taking her “downtown,” he just warns her that her dad needs to show up to court. Ok, so when’s the winter bone going

Man Takes Girlfriend on Romantic Date to See Blue Valentine

February 9, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON, IL– With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, Romeo Smith knew he had to do something special for his new girlfriend, Rosalin Jones. “You know, it’s the beginning,” he very aptly told Flipside, “she hasn’t even slept with me yet, so I know I can’t slack yet. She’s pretty classy, so I knew I had to find something, you know, romantic to do.” He considered a big box of chocolates, but decided against it because Romeo wanted Rosalin to

Best Ways to Win GREEN CUP 2011

February 9, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON – This list of sure-to-win strategies was compiled from an old book found in the Willard basement. Don’t shower. Who cares what the kids in your classes say? And if your roommate will agree to that too, neither of you will notice the smell after a while. If you absolutely feel the need to shower, do it in another dorm. If you get someone to let you in, be sure to let the water for as long as possible.

Christopher Nolan to plant idea of Oscar nomination in Academy’s collective head

February 2, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

After failing to receive an Academy Award for Best Director nomination for his sci-fi film Inception this year and his superhero movie The Dark Knight in 2008, director Christopher Nolan announced today that he plans to plant the idea of a nomination in the head of each Academy member via the inception technique. “I specialize in a very specific kind of vote rigging.” explained Nolan, “Subconscious vote rigging.” Nolan laid out his detailed plan to The Flipside. “I plan on

Nintendo Announces Pokémon Generation VI: Sunni and Shi’ite

February 2, 2011 Brian Earl One comment

This article was conceived by Nick Platoff, Bienen 2014 TOKYO — Following the anticipated success of Pokémon Black and White, Nintendo revealed that the sixth generation of the popular video game will have the “colors” of Sunni and Shi’ite. Satoshi Tajiri, creator of the Pokémon franchise, told the Flipside, “The most recent Pokémon games – Pearl and Diamond, Black and White – have been called ‘lame’ and ‘boring.’ We clearly needed to make the next generation more exciting. Infusing the

Read more Articles, Entertainment, No.50

NUIT strives for an even more irritating CAESAR

January 12, 2011 Noah Rawitz Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After the release of the Inception last July, the hit film has become America’s most notorious mindfuck. Up until that point, Northwestern’s class-selecting service, CAESAR, held that title. NUIT admitted its defeat after the film hit the box office this summer. However, NUIT is not to be outdone. According to Todd Robertson, NUIT’s head technician, next year’s edition of CAESAR will not only be equally as confusing as Nolan’s film, but it will also make researching and registering for classes

Read more Articles, Entertainment, Local, No. 47

Spin̈al Tap Unveils New 11G Network

January 12, 2011 Brad Horras Leave a comment

LONDON – Legendary 1980’s rock outfit Spin̈al Tap announced plans Thursday for the release of their own 11G wireless network to rival the current 4G technology operated by carriers such as Verizon, AT&T, and T-Mobile. “These other blokes are doing, you know, 3 or 4G, but we thought…why not eleven?” explained lead guitarist Nigel Tufnel, who found inspiration from his guitar amp’s volume range – which also extends fully up to 11. Technology analysts confirm that Tap’s surprise expansion into

Read more Articles, Business, Entertainment, No. 47

T.I. Lyrics Talk Suicidal Man Down From Roof

October 20, 2010 Colton Maddox Leave a comment

ATLANTA—Rapper T.I. helped coax a suicidal man down from a hotel roof in midtown Atlanta on Wednesday, the Associated Press reported. One correspondent on the scene was able to listen to the conversation that took place between the hip-hop star and the would-be jumper. The following is a transcript of the exchange: T.I.: What up? What’s haapnin’??? Man: Not much. Ummmm…I’m standing on the ledge of a roof. I’m gonna jump and kill myself. T.I.: Why you wanna go and