EVANSTON – This list of sure-to-win strategies was compiled from an old book found in the Willard basement. Donât shower. Who cares what the kids in your classes say? And if your roommate will agree to that too, neither of you will notice the smell after a while. If you absolutely feel the need to shower, do it in another dorm. If you get someone to let you in, be sure to let the water for as long as possible.
After failing to receive an Academy Award for Best Director nomination for his sci-fi film Inception this year and his superhero movie The Dark Knight in 2008, director Christopher Nolan announced today that he plans to plant the idea of a nomination in the head of each Academy member via the inception technique. âI specialize in a very specific kind of vote rigging.â explained Nolan, âSubconscious vote rigging.â Nolan laid out his detailed plan to The Flipside. âI plan on
This article was conceived by Nick Platoff, Bienen 2014 TOKYO — Following the anticipated success of PokĂ©mon Black and White, Nintendo revealed that the sixth generation of the popular video game will have the âcolorsâ of Sunni and Shi’ite. Satoshi Tajiri, creator of the PokĂ©mon franchise, told the Flipside, âThe most recent PokĂ©mon games â Pearl and Diamond, Black and White â have been called âlameâ and âboring.â We clearly needed to make the next generation more exciting. Infusing the
EVANSTONâAfter the release of the Inception last July, the hit film has become Americaâs most notorious mindfuck. Up until that point, Northwesternâs class-selecting service, CAESAR, held that title. NUIT admitted its defeat after the film hit the box office this summer. However, NUIT is not to be outdone. According to Todd Robertson, NUIT’s head technician, next year’s edition of CAESAR will not only be equally as confusing as Nolanâs film, but it will also make researching and registering for classes
LONDON – Legendary 1980âs rock outfit SpinÌal Tap announced plans Thursday for the release of their own 11G wireless network to rival the current 4G technology operated by carriers such as Verizon, AT&T, and T-Mobile. âThese other blokes are doing, you know, 3 or 4G, but we thoughtâŠwhy not eleven?â explained lead guitarist Nigel Tufnel, who found inspiration from his guitar ampâs volume range – which also extends fully up to 11. Technology analysts confirm that Tapâs surprise expansion into
ATLANTAâRapper T.I. helped coax a suicidal man down from a hotel roof in midtown Atlanta on Wednesday, the Associated Press reported. One correspondent on the scene was able to listen to the conversation that took place between the hip-hop star and the would-be jumper. The following is a transcript of the exchange: T.I.: What up? Whatâs haapninâ??? Man: Not much. UmmmmâŠIâm standing on the ledge of a roof. Iâm gonna jump and kill myself. T.I.: Why you wanna go and
EVANSTONâIn high school, a hickey was a mark of shame to be covered up discreetly with pounds of makeup or a well-placed scarf. In college, many young women are finding that the only way to get a guy is if he thinks you already have gotten plenty beforehand. This shift has been a phenomenon which sociologists and playboy photographers alike have been busy investigating in great depth. âNobody wants to be a girlâs first anymore,â said senior A.J. Thomson. âThat
SCOTTS VALLEY, CAâAntares Audio Technologies, publisher of the massively popular Auto-Tune music software, has announced a collection of major upgrades that will finally allow singers like Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers to sound like they have testicles. The new software uses specialized algorithms to boost the lower frequencies of a singerâs voice, and ensures that talentless pop stars and boy bands can at least retain a miniscule portion of their masculinity. Auto-Tuneâs creator, Dr. Andy Hildebrand, has held a
Oh shit! This is really shitty music man. How long have I been out here? It’s only 1:34? Man, she’s been singing with that piano for the longest damn time. This music sucks! She’s hot though, so it’s ok. Wait, no, I think I’m starting to lose my buzz. She’s not as attractive now. I’m not as attractive now. Shit. Shit. Shit. Run back to the house, ok, jungle juice…no. Bud light…no. Ah, here it its, Smirnoff [gulp] ahhhhh no
By An Actual Drunk Man* So its been a great dfay. It’s been fucking difficult trying to login to write this ariticel. Â I mena so what if my password was wrong the first threew times shouldnty i still be able to use my free speech. Its the first ammendment. Â I shall not be silenced by the password code. Â What was i writing abouyt? Â of yeah dillo day. Â Dydude we dont evewn have any armadillos here . Â ity should have