Student Beaten to Death in Main Library After Opening Fifth Bag of Fritos
“The poor sucker should have recognized that by the fifth bag, people werenât going to deal with it anymore.”
Category Archives: Featured
NU Hires Sister Jean Away from Loyola with Promise of Celibate Campus
Emerging reports indicate that as part of Sister Jeanâs contract, âNorthwestern Sex Weekâ will be officially renamed âNorthwestern Fornication-is-a-sin Week.”
NU Sex Week Shrinkage Attributed To The Cold
âIt’s not usually like this. It just seems smaller because the cold forced us to cancel some events, I swear.”
Harry Potter Gets âJill from Accountingâ in Buzzfeed Quiz
The fictional, magically-adept children were blown away by Paxtonâs ability to balance picking up her kids from hockey practice, and working overtime to pay for their private schooling.
Audience at A Cappella Concert Just Other A Cappella Groups Waiting to Go Next
It became more and more apparent that everyone there was only there to sing, between quietly clapping at each otherâs numerous renditions of âShake It Off.â
Student Whoâs Watched 243 Hours of Netflix This Quarter Pissed about 30-Hour DM Commitment
âI mean, I feel like I could do DM in one afternoon and get the same out of it,â continued the same person who watched every season of American Dad at least three times.
In Historic Move, Professor Closes Ad at Bottom of Youtube Video
It is still unclear whether Leggins actually meant to close the ad, or if he just accidentally clicked on the âxâ when he was trying to enter full-screen mode. Nonetheless, his students were amazed.
Public Masturbator Spotted in Evanston Foretells Six More Weeks of Winter
âYou go almost the entire winter, and you think, âmaybe this season Iâll make it through without seeing some dude Jack-Frosting it outside my dorm, but thatâs just how March goes.â
Your Future Roommate Plans to Continue Beekeeping in the Dorms
According to the person you think you know well enough to commit in advance to sharing a room with, the coming and going of the drones gathering pollen shouldnât bother you.
Care Package Contains Only a Picture of Your Parents Enjoying Themselves Without You
The picture, taken by a photographer they hired after you moved out and stopped freeloading, shows your parentsâ smiling faces more animated and in love than youâve ever seen them