Your Future Roommate Plans to Continue Beekeeping in the Dorms
According to the person you think you know well enough to commit in advance to sharing a room with, the coming and going of the drones gathering pollen shouldn’t bother you.
Category Archives: Featured
Care Package Contains Only a Picture of Your Parents Enjoying Themselves Without You
The picture, taken by a photographer they hired after you moved out and stopped freeloading, shows your parents’ smiling faces more animated and in love than you’ve ever seen them
Area Student Finally Gains Enough Experience Points to Graduate
“It was good I had the cheat code that got me an entry-level position at my dad’s consulting firm.”
Lakefill Rock Found Painted with Perfectly Accurate Predictions of the Future
‘I’m sure there’s more on there that we never found,’ reported Danica Jackson, SoC ’20, ‘but after we cleared off “Raccoon Hurricane 2019” and “Reagan’s Back!” we started to wonder if this was a good idea.’
PHA Bans Ritual Sacrifice of Ugliest Rushee This Year
“So, like, okay. The idea is that by burning a girl at the stake we’re making her sort of like a phoenix, where she dies all weak and gross but rises from the ashes in the image of sorority excellence.”
Northwestern Postpones Big Game Park Due to Budget Concerns
This setback comes after the delay of the new student center, forcing Morty to try and combine funding for the two projects by seeking out a donor with an interest both in improving the student experience and hunting exotic animals.
Area Student Asks Advisor If He Can Drop All Four Classes
“I had to draw the line when he wanted to bail out of Math 220,” Kraps continued. “At that point, he was basically in SESP!”
Professorless Students Waiting Five More Minutes Before Just Going Home
On pain of death, students must wait for five minutes for TAs, ten minutes for associate professors, and fifteen minutes for full professors before leaving.
Starting Next Quarter, Students to Be Drafted Involuntarily into One Class Per Term
“Well instead of waking up at 6:30 am to frantically add classes to my cart before they get stolen out from under me, I’m taking Engineering Fluid Mechanics,” stated Comm studies major Gerry Shilvonotrov.
Commencement Speaker Replaced with Old Man Telling Each Graduate the Date of Their Death
The man will forego the typical commencement address to the graduating class in favor of walking silently amongst the rows of sitting students, placing a pale, scarred hand on the forehead of those he selects.