Category Archives: Local

Breaking: Scorned Chicagoans Contemplate Releasing Lil Durk from Prison to Kill Matthew Stafford

After the Chicago Bears’ brutal overtime loss to the Los Angeles Rams ruined their chances of advancing into the playoffs, the most diehard Bears fans–many of whom have not felt joy since 1985–concocted a scheme so crazy it might just work. On Monday, January 19th, just one day after the loss, Chicago’s 6th and 16th Wards approved a plan to forcefully facilitate the release of rapper Durk Devontay Banks from prison in exchange for his service in assassinating the Rams’

From the archives: “Is that a gun or are you just happy to see me? Both! History’s most sexually-charged assassinations”

Following the recent wave of assassinations, people have been quick to point the finger at whomever they most distrust, from Radical Left Lunatics to Christian fundamentalism. Here I will examine how overwhelming sexual desires that drove people to murder with 4 famous cases of sexually-charged assassinations, according to NU econ and history professor and passed-up Nobel Prize nominee Dr. John Hornington. Roman Emperor Commodus strangled by his wrestling partner “Of all Roman Emperor assassinations, this one seemed the most fitting,”

Diddy laments with cellmate Maduro: “my oil also got snatched”

In what legal experts are calling an “unlikely but thematically coherent” meeting of disgraced music mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs and former Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro were overheard commiserating with over the loss of their respective oil reserves. According to sources familiar with the matter, the two men—now housed in the same federal detention facility—bonded over what Combs described as “the experience of watching something viscous, valuable, and deeply personal get taken from you by forces you don’t respect.” “For him,

Black Friday abolished after DEI takedown, renamed to Aryan Friday

Just a few days before Black Friday, the best holiday of consumerist America, President Donald Trump released some shocking news at an impromptu address to the nation. “Why should those people have an entire Friday to themselves? The best day of the week shouldn’t be used to promote certain agendas.” The president commented, “We need a new name for it. One that celebrates the true essence of this nation and what we stand for. One that promotes OUR agenda.” Stores

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