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Category Archives: Local

Hundreds of Freshmen Play Essential NU Drinking Game

October 5, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Freshmen passed out in droves at this year’s Wildcat Welcome, and campus administrators suspect that some type of drinking game was afoot during the lecture. Stacy Herman, the event coordinator, said the drinking game had a simple premise. “The fact of the matter is that taking a shot every time we said ‘peer pressure,’ ‘disappointment,’ or ‘started failing all my classes’ is a complete disappointment to the University and a very clear cave-in to peer pressure. I would

Evanston City Officials Hold 2,000 Northwestern Students Hostage

October 5, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“If I knew I had to deal with this much bullshit,” wrote Weinberg senior Jon Blinderman on a bloody Bob Marley shirt, “I would have gone Greek.”

Girl Who Said She “Would Die Without Her Phone” Apparently Not Kidding Around

October 4, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

EDISON, NJ – Fifteen year old Sarah Murphy was found dead last night in front of her New Jersey home. After an autopsy was conducted and medical records were reviewed, doctors concluded the cause of death was Sarah’s rare, fatal form of object-oriented separation anxiety which caused her to collapse after the discovery that her phone was not in her Vera Bradley tote bag. Detectives have taken the prime phone theft suspect, 16-year-old self-proclaimed hipster Penelope Fox, into custody. No

Dillo day BOB with some BYOB you know what it is

May 25, 2011 Jay Calhoun Leave a comment

This article was written by an actual drunk man and left unedited for effect. There are days in our lives when greatness is thrust upon us. There are also days wehere we drink a shit ton of alcohol and have fun Guess which one dillo day is? Hint I uncle jose cuerva making a visit. So today is chill and all with all the bands. The new pornographers were surprisingly clothed. I mean can you pronographize (the verb of pornography)

Freshman Too Drunk to Find Dillo Day

May 25, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

SKOKIE – One Northwestern freshman spent the most anticipated day of the year aimlessly wandering through the scenic village of Skokie. The hours of a.m. drinking forced David Eager to head West on Dillo Day, instead of East toward the lakefill. “There are really only two things you need to know how to do on Dillo Day,” Mayfest co-chair Chase “Maystache” Jacksons explained to Flipside investigators. “Drink large quantities of alcohol and have the common sense to head towards music

Local Student’s Dillo Day Lineup Includes Kids from High School He Didn’t Want to See

May 25, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

Dillo Day. It’s that time of year in late May when it may or may not be snowing. The free pizza tastes great, but so does all the other shit you may or may not have eaten. One thing is so certain that even Heisenberg wouldn’t question you: if you are from around here, you’ll see all those people from high school you thought you’d never see again. You know, the kids who don’t know who Heisenberg is. They’ll act

New Meal Plan Aims to Increase Seething Hatred towards Meal Plan

May 18, 2011 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

By Capt. David F. Xavier Rubino, M.D., Esq. EVANSTON – Northwestern students will have a whole slew of new meal plans to choose from when they return in the fall. After nearly a decade, researchers seeking the least optimal plans for the student body have finally reached a consensus. “It all started when students began voicing their complaints”, former ASG Student Life VP Matt Belassai told The Flipside. “They would fill out surveys denoting how dissatisfied they were with the

Northwestern Cancels Sex

May 18, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

“Everyone told me that I HAD to have sex before I left Northwestern. I was going to do it next year, but I guess I’ll have to wait now.”

Area Sorority Girl Hashtags EVERYTHING, #ugh

May 12, 2011 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In an attempt to have the snarkiest Twitter of all her sassy sisters, area sorority girl Kayla Kaplan has started hashtagging everything. “It started with just small things that were actually trends like #SGP and #royalwedding. But then I thought, wait, my life is just as trendy as these tags, so I’m going to turn my life into the trends,” Kaplan said. This Quad Delt’s recent tweets have included such masterpieces as: “Spring formal was so fun! #openbar

Schapiro Saves Tilted Kilt, Brothels

May 5, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON – “Evanston residents are at it again,” Northwestern President Morty Schapiro announced Wednesday. “They are continuing to put their own petty desires ahead of the needs of Northwestern students.” The issue in question is whether the Tilted Kilt, a local Scottish-themed “Hooters-esque” restaurant, should be granted a liquor license. Evanston residents sent city hall a resounding “NO,” having collected nearly 2,200 signatures on a petition showing their displeasure. Schapiro, however, swooped in and saved the day, using his ninja-like