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Category Archives: Local

Dillo day BOB with some BYOB you know what it is

May 25, 2011 Jay Calhoun Leave a comment

This article was written by an actual drunk man and left unedited for effect. There are days in our lives when greatness is thrust upon us. There are also days wehere we drink a shit ton of alcohol and have fun Guess which one dillo day is? Hint I uncle jose cuerva making a visit. So today is chill and all with all the bands. The new pornographers were surprisingly clothed. I mean can you pronographize (the verb of pornography)

Freshman Too Drunk to Find Dillo Day

May 25, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

SKOKIE – One Northwestern freshman spent the most anticipated day of the year aimlessly wandering through the scenic village of Skokie. The hours of a.m. drinking forced David Eager to head West on Dillo Day, instead of East toward the lakefill. “There are really only two things you need to know how to do on Dillo Day,” Mayfest co-chair Chase “Maystache” Jacksons explained to Flipside investigators. “Drink large quantities of alcohol and have the common sense to head towards music

Local Student’s Dillo Day Lineup Includes Kids from High School He Didn’t Want to See

May 25, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

Dillo Day. It’s that time of year in late May when it may or may not be snowing. The free pizza tastes great, but so does all the other shit you may or may not have eaten. One thing is so certain that even Heisenberg wouldn’t question you: if you are from around here, you’ll see all those people from high school you thought you’d never see again. You know, the kids who don’t know who Heisenberg is. They’ll act

New Meal Plan Aims to Increase Seething Hatred towards Meal Plan

May 18, 2011 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

By Capt. David F. Xavier Rubino, M.D., Esq. EVANSTON – Northwestern students will have a whole slew of new meal plans to choose from when they return in the fall. After nearly a decade, researchers seeking the least optimal plans for the student body have finally reached a consensus. “It all started when students began voicing their complaints”, former ASG Student Life VP Matt Belassai told The Flipside. “They would fill out surveys denoting how dissatisfied they were with the

Northwestern Cancels Sex

May 18, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

“Everyone told me that I HAD to have sex before I left Northwestern. I was going to do it next year, but I guess I’ll have to wait now.”

Area Sorority Girl Hashtags EVERYTHING, #ugh

May 12, 2011 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In an attempt to have the snarkiest Twitter of all her sassy sisters, area sorority girl Kayla Kaplan has started hashtagging everything. “It started with just small things that were actually trends like #SGP and #royalwedding. But then I thought, wait, my life is just as trendy as these tags, so I’m going to turn my life into the trends,” Kaplan said. This Quad Delt’s recent tweets have included such masterpieces as: “Spring formal was so fun! #openbar

Schapiro Saves Tilted Kilt, Brothels

May 5, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON – “Evanston residents are at it again,” Northwestern President Morty Schapiro announced Wednesday. “They are continuing to put their own petty desires ahead of the needs of Northwestern students.” The issue in question is whether the Tilted Kilt, a local Scottish-themed “Hooters-esque” restaurant, should be granted a liquor license. Evanston residents sent city hall a resounding “NO,” having collected nearly 2,200 signatures on a petition showing their displeasure. Schapiro, however, swooped in and saved the day, using his ninja-like

Weather Forces Happiness Club to Disband

April 28, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON – On April 22, members of Northwestern’s Happiness Club dissolved their organization due to the 34 degree weather. For some context, it was 78 at Emory, 84 at Rice, and 69 at Vanderbilt at the time the decision was made. Just saying. “It just wasn’t worth it anymore,” said former Happiness Club president Ben Ulman. “I don’t even know if there is such a thing as happiness when it’s grayer outside than the area in the Protess situation.” The

Police Surprised to Find Marijuana at Fraternity House

April 28, 2011 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Last week, police were stunned at what they found at a Northwestern fraternity house when they happened upon a bag of marijuana and two pieces of drug paraphernalia. Police entered the house when a “faulty” smoke detector went off. When asked about the situation Chief of Police Bill Carter said, he was “perplexed” by it all. He added, “It was just a normal day, I wrote the date, April 20th, in my ledger like any other. I did

Bailey to Teach Introduction to the Unspeakably Obscene

April 28, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

The professor seeks “to open up a mature, academic dialogue about uncommon sexual practices . . . so blood-curdlingly unnatural they make Two Girls One Cup look like a Disney movie.”