Atwood Receives Lukewarm Response at Keynote From Campus Dudes; “She’d Be Pretty If She Smiled More”
“Don’t get me wrong, she sounds like a great writer and all, but she just seemed so serious. Like, lighten up a little, sweetheart!”
Category Archives: Local
Razor Scooter Owner Rides After Dark to Avoid Being Recognized
On the outside, he seems just like everyone else. But on the inside he has a massive, two-wheel secret.
Morty Hoping He’ll Get More than Natty Light While Trick or Treating at Frat Houses
“I am hoping by the end of this I will have enough candy to last until Christmas. Maybe they’ll even throw a few Keystones in there too.”
Mock Trial Stages Mock Execution
The death penalty case arose when Ross approached NUMT’s promotional stand at the Rock and took a brownie before realizing they cost 75 cents. With no cash or venmo, Ross was summarily charged and convicted of theft and thirteen counts of homicide.
Floormate Thinks Socks on Doorknobs Are Gifts, His Collection is Growing Quite Large
Twenty students have already come to the floor RA with complaints that they witnessed Daniel once again pulling the socks off the handles and tucking them gently under his belt to later be thrown into a pile in his room.
Sears Rebrands Itself As “Willis,” Still Bankrupt
“We thought, ‘No, let’s keep everything completely identical. Just change the name. That’ll get the people going.’”
To Fully Experience Life of Northwestern Student, Parents to Get Rejected by Improv Troupe
“Rejection from an improv troupe is part of the classic Northwestern experience; it’s really what people come to this school for,” said Mark Browning, father of Jim Browning
Haunted Lakefill Hammock Swallows Another Victim
McCormick sophomore Laura Russo has been reported missing since last Thursday. She was last seen at 5:30 PM on the lakefill, napping peacefully in a perfectly innocuous woven hammock.
Anime Club Director “Making Dad Proud”
Anime Club Director Edward Elric (SESP ’19) has announced he is “still making dad proud” after another tense seven minute phone call last Sunday.
Northwestern Student Already Has Pretty Good Idea When to Schedule Fall Mental Breakdown
“It’ll fit perfectly in between these two weeks of straight midterms and the next Friday, when I have 6 papers due.”