University Renames North and South Campus as Left Brain Campus and Right Brain Campus
“Who are we fooling with this ‘one cohesive campus’ bullshit?”, added an anonymous tour guide.
Category Archives: Local
“Trumpet,” Answers Bienen Student Before Being Asked
Jozek attributed the outburst to two weeks of being asked by other Bienen students what instrument he played.
Diversity TND Teaches White Jewish Freshmen from the Chicago Area They’re Not Alone
Morty: “We have students from more Chicago suburbs than ever before; as a matter of fact, we only took 40 kids from ETHS this year!”
Happiness Club Stresses No Experience Necessary
Sophomore Brandon Wong says that he’s looking forward to another year and encourages students to give it a shot, even if joy “isn’t really their thing.”
Civil Engineering Students Finish Sheridan Construction in Cocaine Bender
“Straight lines of paint are much harder than straight lines of coke, y’know? I think we nailed it, though.”
Northwestern Student Arrested After Unlawfully Removing Fruit from Dining Hall
“Let this be a warning to all other lawless individuals looking to steal fruit from our dining halls,” Ellis continued. “You have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. We will find you, and we will stop you.”
Elder Dining Hall to Add PlayPlace to Boost Traffic
“We’re looking to spread our brand throughout the entire campus and dominate dining services at Northwestern.”
Freshman Sees God through Complimentary Cru Glasses
“The sunglasses definitely drew me in, but then I was being asked if I wanted a personal relationship with God in order to rid me of my sins, and I thought, ‘why the hell not?’”
Cute Girl You Know Into Some Weird Shit
“I was trying to build up to asking her to see if she wants to see the new Spider-Man movie, but then she started talking about what she would do if webs could come out of her, uh, hands.”
Bienen Prof Releases “Best ‘Kidz Bop 33’ Tracks to Make Love To”
Austern notes that Justin Timberlake’s “Can’t Stop the Feeling” is especially good for older adults, writing, “the kids’ voices get so high and shrill, it’ll make it feel like your own kids are in the room with you!”