Athletes like Wilson, however, who are either introverted, in committed relationships back home, or sixteen-year-old figure skating prodigies, are happy to merely get laid a couple dozen times during their trip.
Asked if it was possible the machines were simply malfunctioning, she responded, “Absolutely not. This sort of thing has been happening for years. If it were a service issue, certainly it would have been fixed already, right?”
“I had been planning to slack off the rest of my time here,” said McIntosh. “But when I saw that sign, I realized I need to take responsibility for my own life.”
“I’ve never seen anything like it before. People who have never met before today are all lovey-dovey with each other.”
This week in “Ask the Flipside,” Percy the Gay Stoner tackles questions about the hottest places to go on Valentine’s Day and the best way to look attractive during the winter.
“The United States is not, has never, and would never cooperate with the Russians on awarding each other higher scores. We would consider conniving with the Germans or Canadians, but we asked them and they refused.”
ETHS student Patrick Thornby argues, “No, this isn’t a good idea for such a first-class model community,” while retired musician Paul Hamilton says, “Hell yeah! Let’s do it!”
Critics pointed to multiple rings of fire, swinging buzz-saws, and jumps over pits of hungry piranhas as proof that some elements of the course were marginally too dangerous.
“It’s just amazing that the Russians still can’t get the easy things right,” said Jim Kelley, a Denver Broncos fan who spent three hours stuck in Secaucus Junction following the conclusion of the Super Bowl.
Keep the issue contained and save the Canadian youth. It’s too late for our own.