Northwestern Math Department Introduces New Number between Seven and Eight
“This number, called ‘dag,’ will be somewhere in between seven and eight. We don’t really know yet,” said Dr. Jared Wunsch, Math Department Chair.
Category Archives: Articles
Encouraging Evidence Suggests Most College Athletes Can Read
Last week a research study actually discovered something positive about the world, delighting many. After months of research, a CNN team proudly announced that some college athletes read at an elementary school level.
New Pledges Excited to Begin Process of Labor, Peer Pressure, and Borderline Torture
“Man, I can’t wait to start,” said SESP freshman Max Janson. “Waiting on bended knee to serve the brothers I barely know—that’s what this is all about.”
Hinman Power Outage Results in Social Media Isolation, Deaths
January 5 escalated into full-scale madness in 1835 Hinman. The Hinman Hunger Games, as residents are calling it, have claimed sixteen lives so far and the death toll is only rising.
The Flipside Movie Review: Frozen and The Wolf of Wall Street
Both boast a strong cast, an amazing soundtrack, and a whole lot of snow, but we strongly urge all moviegoers to think twice before bringing their children to Frozen.
Whatever, Freshman Didn’t Want to Be a Part of Your Stupid Little Man-Club Anyway
After a week of rushing campus fraternity Beta Beta Beta without receiving a bid, area freshman Brandon Bottomsworth reportedly couldn’t care less that he wasn’t accepted into the group, because BBB is a bunch of big meanie-jerks who don’t know a quality candidate when they see one, those poopy doopy poop-heads.
International Student Welcomed Back to US with TSA Frisking
Gupta was positively beaming upon his return to Evanston from Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport, bearing news of “the least unpleasant airport experience of his life.”
7 Things That Aren’t as Great as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Hosting the Golden Globes Again
Who needs compassion and understanding between disparate societies when you can have Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in breath-taking evening gowns telling jokes to other millionaires?
Here’s How We Fix Northwestern Football, Part One: Ryan Field
Ryan Field’s location doesn’t make a lick of sense. What the hell, guys!?! We say we’re Chicago’s Big Ten team, and then we put our games in fucking Evanston. Huh?
Northwestern University Wins Hearts and Minds of Illinois
“The annual game between Northwestern University and the University of Illinois is one of the greatest traditions in the whole state,” said Emma Martinez, Emeritus Professor of Illinois Studies at the University of Notre Dame.