“I can’t believe the number of people that attend job fairs. Don’t these people have something better to do than waste away their lives by getting jobs? It makes me sick,” said Park Mesnell, Executive Director for University Anti-Career Services.
“We’re not bad people and we didn’t start this,” said a high-ranking Northwestern faculty member who the reporters of 2024 will agree was a bad person who started the scandal.
“The thing with drugs is that they get old after a while. People want something new and exciting. That’s where I got my next idea.”
At first, Sanger was pleased with the amount of attention his carved swastika was receiving, but when he realized the reviews and comments about his art were consistently negative, his excitement quickly gave way to disappointment.
The new pledge classes get to do everything they were forbidden to talk about during recruitment, i.e. everything that made them want to join Greek life in the first place.
“I’m baffled why Mr. Robertson never bothered to explore the different communities that surely exist in West Monroe,” remarked UCLA sophomore Quincy LaFleur of San Francisco.
“This number, called ‘dag,’ will be somewhere in between seven and eight. We don’t really know yet,” said Dr. Jared Wunsch, Math Department Chair.
Last week a research study actually discovered something positive about the world, delighting many. After months of research, a CNN team proudly announced that some college athletes read at an elementary school level.
“Man, I can’t wait to start,” said SESP freshman Max Janson. “Waiting on bended knee to serve the brothers I barely know—that’s what this is all about.”
January 5 escalated into full-scale madness in 1835 Hinman. The Hinman Hunger Games, as residents are calling it, have claimed sixteen lives so far and the death toll is only rising.