Things We Are Giving Up for Lent
Now that Mardi Gras is over, it’s time for us to get serious and make sacrifices that will improve our spiritual well-being. With that in mind, here are some things we are giving up for Lent.
Category Archives: Articles
Area Botanist: ‘Condom Roses’ Entirely Wrong Genus
EVANSTON — A local botanist claims that the condom roses sold by Northwestern University’s Sexual Health and Assault Peer Educators (SHAPE) do not belong in the genus Rosa, stating “they’re not really anything like any rose out there.” Jennifer Leary, a member of the North Shore Garden Club, made this claim after observing a sample of the condom roses, saying that based on the plant’s leaf structure, petal counts, stamen, pistil, and other parts of the flower, the plant could
The State of Gone Greek Night
Following Barack Obama’s State of the Union address last week, various Northwestern student groups have issued reports about the state of their own organizations. The Flipside is pleased to present the transcripts of these speeches. Good morning, my fellow Greek students of Northwestern University. Thank you for waking up from your drunken stupor and forgetting about how much your feet hurt from five inch platform heels. After much careful analysis and plenty of water drinking, I have concluded that the
Morty Authorizes Drone Strikes On Students Wearing Other Schools’ Apparel
EVANSTON — Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro announced yesterday afternoon after his annual meeting with President Obama that he found the U.S. Presidentās tactics using drone strikes against American enemies extremely inspiring. “In fact,” President Schapiro said, “I am releasing an NU executive order right at this moment, and yes, per the latest ASG legislation nobody has read, I can do that, that the university administration is hereby allowed to launch drones against the enemies of the university.” The new
University Shuttles to Run Only When Youāre Not There
EVANSTON — Students such as yourself have recently noticed that during winter months, campus shuttles will make their stops only when youāre not waiting at one of them. University officials have confirmed this phenomenon. āPart of this new policy comes from the extra snow weāve been getting. It makes for slower routes and delayed stop times,ā said Jack Colhoff, a University Services representative. āBut itās mostly to build character.ā Colhoff said youāll thank him later, because walking in single-digit weather
Denied Early Decision Applicant Demands Racial Quotas Be Reinstated
EVANSTON — Sally Evans, currently a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant senior at Richard B. Russell High School, received a rejection letter from Northwestern after applying early decision. After mulling it over for several weeks, she decided Thursday to take a stand for what is right. āIām not racist,ā the teen said. āI just donāt think itās fair that I worked so hard and still didnāt get into Northwestern. If the quotas from the ā60s were still in place, this never wouldāve
Diaries of Ten āBachelorā Contestants Contain āEerily Identical Narrativesā
AGOURA HILLS, CA — In an amazing feat of dramatic explosion after being rejected by the āone true love of [her] life,ā a bachelor contestant managed to tear up the entire multi-million dollar hosting mansion, leaving in her wake a mess of cosmetics, champagne flutes, and anti-depressants. Among the debris lay a pile of notebooks, each cover plastered with Lisa Frank stickers, kissy lip prints, and āLive, Laugh, Loveā mottos: the diaries of the contestants chronicling their Bachelor experience. The
A Valentineās Day Poem
āI fucking hate Valentineās Day,” Said junior Peggy Ann McKay. “I have six midterms tomorrow, For DM, I must donate my marrow. My roommate is such a great bore, Dating that bro two years or more. Itās much more fun to be a whore, Thatās what living in Bobb is for! They hold hands watching Netflix, They think iPhones are for self-pics. He bought her Franzia with his friendās fake – I donāt know how much more I can take.
[Nostalgia Issue] A Retrospective from Your Forgotten Tamagotchi
THE BOX IN THE BACK CORNER UNDER YOUR BED — Salutations, my dear human. Itās been years since last we met, yet it was you who gave me life, so long ago, on the electronics aisle of Toys-R-Us. It was you whose jelly-covered fingers freed me from the confines of my tamago (thatās the Japanese word for egg, if you ever wondered) with just the press of an irritatingly small button. Nearly three lustra have elapsed since last you fed
[Nostalgia Issue] Where Are They Now: The Rugrats
We all remember the Rugrats, those adventurous wild babes from the 90s. We knew them so well back then, but what have they done since then? The Flipside caught up with them to find out. Tommy: Tommy continues to be the leader he was back in his youth, and he is now the starting running back and a captain on Calās football team. He gets girls like none other and rages harder than anyone. Heās projected as a mid-third round