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Chris Brown Announces Plan to Beat Up a Member of Every Minority Group

February 5, 2013 Adam Pecena Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES, CA — Controversial recording artist and actor Chris Brown surprised everyone today when he announced that his felonious attacks on the Barbadian singer Rihanna and the gay R&B artist Frank Ocean were just teasers for his upcoming series of events, “I Can Destroy Ya: Beating Up Minorities Tour 2013,” signaling that he has finally moved on from physically attacking women in favor of a broader range of targets. “I’ll admit I used to leave the occasional scar on

After a Cyberattack on the New York Times, China Targets The Flipside

February 4, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

BEIJING — After using advanced infiltration techniques to target The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal in a “cyberattack,” the Chinese government is refocusing its aggressive Internet policy on The Northwestern Flipside. China views the insightful coverage the publication gives to Northwestern University campus life as invaluable information on the unpatriotic activities of international students. Fortunately, the Chinese plan was thwarted by the professional security provided by WordPress and no information was leaked. Other on-campus publications were also

The Super Bowl Time Travels to the Nineties

February 3, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

NEW ORLEANS, LA — Between the San Francisco 49ers using Tupac’s “California Love” as their run-in music and the fact that the 49ers were actually played, Super Bowl XLVII proved it could effectively time travel to 1999. At the request of Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, NFL officials decided to bend the laws of physics to go back in time before “the incident.” Lewis was looking for a repeat of Super Bowl XXXV, which included a MVP-winning performance and performances

Ray Lewis Reveals True Identity as Transformer, Kaepernick Only 49er Survivor

February 3, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

NEW ORLEANS, LA — Super Bowl XLVII ended in terror when Ray Lewis transformed into a weird robot thing with laser-vision-death-Rays and wreaked havoc among the San Francisco 49ers. In the middle of the third quarter, with the Ravens down 34-7, Lewis stood up before the snap on a third-and-long, roared loudly, and revealed his true identity, Maximus Ray. According to eye-witness reports, Lewis’s helmet melded with his body, his brace for his torn triceps turned into a laser-gun, and

Online Dictionary’s Pronunciation Guide Actually Quite Useless

February 2, 2013 Brian Lee Leave a comment

Toledo, OH — According to eye-witness reports from the reception desk, recent attempts by Neil Vandooren to settle a bet wagered on the pronunciation of the word “homage” resulted in a stalemate when the online dictionary consulted produced inconclusive results. Vandooren, a human resource specialist at Stevenson Mechanical Incorporated, originally proposed the bet after the word in dispute was unexpectedly used in casual conversation during his lunch break. Witnesses told The Flipside that Vandooren looked up the word on freeonlinedictionary.com,

[The Flipside Guide to the 2013 Oscars] Amour, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Other Highlights

February 1, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

With Oscar season in full swing, The Flipside is proud to present a summary of 2012’s most acclaimed films. By this point we were pretty exhausted writing review after review after review after review so please excuse our brevity and our tendency to make shit up. Do they really need to nominate this many movies in a year? I mean, we all know which ones won’t win. Peruse our reviews of the other nominees: *Argo and Django Unchained *Zero Dark

Northwestern Encourages Teach for America to Keep Down Student Unemployment Numbers

January 31, 2013 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Jacob Lurie, a School of Communications senior, walks out of the jobs fair. He is tired from talking to companies that contribute so much good to the world: Deloitte, Bane, the marketing team in University of Chicago’s athletic department. He is holding his resume, which does not include his GPA. Looking in the mirror at a face that’s never taken a single education class, Lurie says to himself, “I’ve heard TFA is pretty awesome.” Lurie is not alone. In

Dance Marathon Fundraisers Lose Money

January 30, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

EVANSTON — In a rapid race to meet the half-money deadline, Dance Marathon participants have been holding fundraisers across campus, netting approximately -$3,750 as of Friday. Freshman Keri Brandl, who will be dancing for her sorority Quad-Delt, said that she hosted a doughnut sale in her floor lounge last Wednesday. “I was selling them for a dollar each, but no one was buying them,” Brandl said, “So I decided to barter with the other person in the lounge who was

MTV Hopes to Smarten up with New Show, “16 and Pregnant with Caveman”

January 30, 2013 Casey Kendall Leave a comment

NEW YORK — When George Church, a geneticist at Harvard Medical School—a small medical training facility in Massachusetts—first announced that he was looking for volunteers to be impregnated by a Neanderthal embryo constructed from DNA ripped from bone fragments, he was cautiously optimistic that someone would step up. But it soon became clear there were no takers, and Church was about to call the whole thing off. Enter MTV, formerly known as Music Television. An MTV representative contacted Church last

Read more Entertainment, No. 99, Sci/Tech

[The Flipside Guide to the 2013 Oscars] Lincoln: Thoughts from the North, the South, and Someone Who Doesn’t Listen

January 29, 2013 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

With Oscar season in full swing, The Flipside is proud to present a summary of 2012’s most acclaimed films. Since Lincoln was such a blockbuster, we have tripled our efforts and present for you three reviews: one from a Northerner, one from a Southerner, and one from someone who misheard the name of the movie as LinkedIn. Peruse our reviews of the other nominees: *Argo and Django Unchained *Zero Dark Thirty and Les Mis *Silver Linings Playbook and Life of