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Health Standard for Happy-Meal Toys Causes Imports from China to Drop by 90%

November 10, 2010 Brian Earl Leave a comment

SAN FRANCISCO—The Chinese economy recently took a hit due to a new San Francisco law that bans restaurants from giving away toys with any meals deemed unhealthy. San Francisco, deemed one of America’s 100 fattest cities in 2010 by Men’s Health, immediately put a hold on all imports of Happy Meal toys. “We already had several warehouses full of toys for local restaurants,” said importer/exporter Art Vandelay. “With the new law, it will take years to get rid of all

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Obama Completes Every Quiz on Sporcle; Republicans Win the House

November 10, 2010 Rhaina Cohen Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—President Obama announced his accomplishment of all 116,365 games on Sporcle one week after the 60-seat Republican sweep of the House. With Republican legislators sure to halt any legislation supported by the Democrats, Obama now has free time to kick back in the Oval Office. “After Tuesday night, I got to thinking about all of those college-aged young people who came out in droves for me in 2008 and considered going to polls this election but decided to watch The

SafeRide Prius Actually Transformer in Disguise

November 10, 2010 Alex Hampl Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Northwestern University officials announced in a statement Sunday night that one Prius in the school’s SafeRide fleet is actually a Transformer in disguise hiding from the evil lord Megatron. The Transformer, Tigerzord, was hiding on Earth after fleeing Cybertron, its home planet. Tigerzord failed to steal the mighty Allspark from Megatron, and thus was forced into hiding to avoid the wrathful robot’s ruthless minions Starscream, Bonecrusher, Frenzy and Brawl. Tigerzord was discovered when it mistakenly transformed while carrying several sorority

Giants Win World Series, San Francisco Too Blazed to Give a Shit

November 10, 2010 Mike Mallazzo Leave a comment

SAN FRANCISCO—When Brian Wilson recorded the final out of San Francisco’s Game 5 victory over the Walker Texas Rangers, the entire city was thrown into euphoria. The celebration, however, was not a result of the Giants winning the World Series for the first time since the Fifties. More importantly, the day marked 44 years and three weeks since the Beach Boys released “Good Vibrations.” “It’s a well-known fact that the Beach Boys and Mary Jane is a more American combination

Students Excited for Winter Misery

November 10, 2010 Brian Earl One comment

EVANSTON—Registration for Winter Quarter begins this week at Northwestern, and students are absolutely thrilled. “I hate all my classes!” joyfully exclaimed Weinberg freshman D.J. Grunthel. “I’m tired of them and ready for new classes that I will learn to hate!” Upperclassmen concur that classes never get any better. “I’ve had my share of quarters here,” said Medill junior Sarah Shamara. “I can’t remember enjoying any of them. But I am super psyched for a change in my classes! There certainly

Area Man Somehow Fails to Get Laid Dressed as Bill Clinton at Halloween Party

November 3, 2010 Mike Mallazzo Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Donning a fresh new suit, an American flag pin, and a Bill Clinton mask, McCormick sophomore Shane Feinberg strolled out of Allison Hall a confident man Saturday night. He was 0 for 13 so far in his Northwestern flirting career, but there was no doubt in his mind that Saturday would be the night a female would rendezvous with his slick Willie. For that night he was not Shane Feinberg, the awkward Jewish kid whose greatest scores had come on calculus

Statistician 95% Confident He Fucked Your Girlfriend

November 3, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Yesterday at approximately 9:23 p.m., senior statistics major Josh Sylvan declared in a verbal report that he in all likelihood fucked your girlfriend. “I’m a little worried about my power because I was pretty drunk,” Sylvan said. “I would really feel bad for you if I made a type two error.” The stated confidence interval is hand job< μ<three rounds of hot action on your desk, bed, and shower, respectively. “These things are tricky,” admits Sylvan. “You have to be wary

SafeRide Considers Name Change after Three-Fatality Crash

November 3, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In an unprecedented move on Monday, the president of SafeRide announced that the organization was considering a name change after one of its vehicles T-boned a minivan, killing two of its own passengers and the driver of the other car. “Safety obviously isn’t part of our image anymore,” said Michael Grossman, the president of the organization. While numerous apologies and public statements have been made since the accident, this is the first that denotes any change in policy.

NU Best in Midwest, Second in Qatar

November 3, 2010 Tyler Dillon Leave a comment

NEW YORK—Last week Forbes magazine published its annual list of best colleges in the United States, naming Northwestern University as the best in the Midwest. To the confusion of campus officials, however, Northwestern’s Qatar branch fell short of the University’s overall ranking, reaching only second place in the Middle Eastern nation. The international campus, home to journalism and communication programs, fell just below the Doha Academy of Advanced Explosive Weaponry (DAAEW). Editors at the magazine cited prospects for future graduates