Zuckerberg Seeks Respite on Warm Rock During Testimony
“He needs the sun to raise his body temperature to the optimal algorithm-writing temperature.â
Category Archives: Articles
“Havana” Likely Playing In Plex Dining Hall Right Now
âEvery time I hear her go âHavana ooh nana,â a little part of me dies inside, and I feel my soul slowly wither away.”
J.B. Pritzker Caught Using Campaign Funds for Jowl Reduction Surgery
“It was all done to help the campaign. Seriously, why donât you try giving a speech with two plastic bags hanging off the sides of your face?”
Frontera Fresco In Norris Now Open Just 15 Minutes A Week
Beginning this quarter, the Frontera Fresco Mexican grill located in the Norris Center will now be open just fifteen minutes a week, from 4:30 A.M. to 4:45 A.M.
Student Lands Dream Job, Too Bad It Wasnât You
Celebrating the end of a successful college career full of lifelong friendships and treasured experiences that will never be forgotten, a lucky student has had their hard work rewarded by landing the one job that combines both their passion and career goals. Unfortunately, it was not you.
Student Beaten to Death in Main Library After Opening Fifth Bag of Fritos
“The poor sucker should have recognized that by the fifth bag, people werenât going to deal with it anymore.”
NU Hires Sister Jean Away from Loyola with Promise of Celibate Campus
Emerging reports indicate that as part of Sister Jeanâs contract, âNorthwestern Sex Weekâ will be officially renamed âNorthwestern Fornication-is-a-sin Week.”
NU Sex Week Shrinkage Attributed To The Cold
âIt’s not usually like this. It just seems smaller because the cold forced us to cancel some events, I swear.”
Harry Potter Gets âJill from Accountingâ in Buzzfeed Quiz
The fictional, magically-adept children were blown away by Paxtonâs ability to balance picking up her kids from hockey practice, and working overtime to pay for their private schooling.
Audience at A Cappella Concert Just Other A Cappella Groups Waiting to Go Next
It became more and more apparent that everyone there was only there to sing, between quietly clapping at each otherâs numerous renditions of âShake It Off.â