Raccoons Break into Tasty Garbage with Their Little Hands
“They were so efficient, the little rascals! They picked everything up, just like a person! But with the tiniest hands…!”
Category Archives: Articles
Northwestern Ranked #5 for College Dining in Evanston
President Morton Schapiro, recently ranked “best current president of Northwestern,” told Flipside reporters after the dining hall report came out that he was happy to just be in the top ten for once.
Investigation Finds 6 Murder Allegations in Unread CTECs
“She just looked at me and said, ‘Deal with the grade you got or you’ll end up like the last one.’”
Flipside Investigative Report: Where Do All the Uneaten Dining Hall Chickpeas Go?
Where do all the uneaten chickpeas go? A Qatar-based cryptocurrency is only the beginning of the story…
Payphone in Norris About to Activate Sleeper Agent
Every single person in Norris today is blissfully ignorant of what they, and all humanity, will soon experience.
Frat Guy Declares It “Year of the Doggy Style”
“We have only the finest and most authentic Chinese beer at this thing. If that doesn’t play out, pouring some soy sauce in Busch Light normally does the trick.”
NU Campus Tours to Eliminate Backwards Talking
“In our office, we always strive to make our tours inclusive, and today, that means including all those prospective students and their families that only understand forward-spoken English.”
Northwestern Career Advancement Feels Just As Shitty About Your Job Prospects As You Do
“I emailed evites for my dog’s birthday party after six glasses of wine. It’s not an exceptional skill!”
Study: Medill Undergraduates Have Lowest Soul-To-Body Ratio on Campus
“Our program strives to instill the values of public relations, media expertise, and heartless cynicism in all undergraduate students.”
Greenpeace Execs Keep 10% of All Whales They Save
“Do they mean, like, 10% of the population of whales? Or like, do they mean they get to keep a flipper or something?”