Houston Astros Clinch Impressively Mediocre Season
“You’ve got to remember how far we’ve come since last year,” added rookie shortstop Jonathan Villar. “Almost the entire batting order has made contact at least once this season.”
Category Archives: Sports
British Tour de France Winner Really Excited About Royal Baby
PARIS, FRANCE — Chris Froome, the recent champion of the 100th Tour de France, was reportedly ecstatic to receive news of the birth of His Highness the Prince of Cambridge on Monday. Froome, who won the month-long, 2,100 mile bike race by the largest margin since 2005, hurriedly raced to the finish line in the last stage to see if Kate had delivered the baby yet. āI canāt believe the royal baby has arrived!Ā What did it weigh, half a stone?Ā Wow.
Derrick Rose Announces Retirement, Will Join Giordano’s Marketing Team as Pizza Model
CHICAGO — Thousands of Chicago Bulls fans rushed to the United Center today to hear Derrick Roseās press conference, at which Rose stunned fans when he proclaimed, āIām taking my talents to Giordano’s.ā Rose declared that he would not be participate in the 2013-2014 NBA season. Instead, he will devote his time to pizza modeling. Rose is famous for his Giordanoās marketing campaign, a product that has been largely responsible for Chicagoās rampant obesity problem. āI love playing basketball, and
Does No One Bloody Care That Sir Alex Resigned?!
By Alexander Timothy Rawlings III, the British exchange student living on the seventh floor of Plex I can’t believe this. I bloody can’t. A bloke who’s been the head coach of one of the most famous football (yes, real football, not that sodding joke of a sport that’s ripping off rugby) clubs in the world for TWENTY-SIX YEARS resigns and NOBODY in this country bloody notices? I mean, I’m pretty tolerant, so I understand that you yanks pay more attention
The Fraternity Man’s Guide to Derby Day Success
Though a cornerstone of American equine tradition, the Kentucky Derby can prove a stressful experience for horse owners and spectators alike, wrought with high social standards for etiquette, dress code, and cocktail consumption. To prepare brothers and other students planning on a trip to Churchill Downs, several NU fraternities teamed up with campus organizations including the Equestrian Club, Future Oil Billionaires of America, and the Daughters and Sons of the Confederacy to host a pre-Derby spirit week featuring daily mini-courses
Wildcat Fan Congratulates Field Hockey Player for Her Team’s Success
EVANSTON — When Bienen sophomore Kayla Toussmann found out that Emily DeGrout, her fellow sophomore and classmate in Italian 101-3, was on the field hockey team, she felt excited to be in the presence of such a successful athlete. āThe field hockey team, like, never loses,ā said Toussmann. āItās the one sport our school is actually good at! When Emily told me, āGioco a hockey su pratoāāāI play field hockeyāāI was all like, āOh mio dio! Questo ĆØ fantastico! Congratulazioni!āā
Coach Carmody Fired after Mediocre CTECs; Coach Collins Vows to Do Better
EVANSTON — Everyone at Chris Collinsā press conference was waiting to ask the obvious question: what will he do to improve NU basketballās CTECs? Coach Bill Carmody, who was fired after thirteen years of employment, saw the reported amount of time in practice drop dramatically on his CTECs, as well as low ratings for stimulating interest in the subject and overall rating of the instruction. For years, players have had plenty of time to fill out their basketball CTECs, since
Jay Cutler Announces Early Retirement, to Pursue Dream Career in Investment Banking
CHICAGO — Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler stunned the seventy people who follow the NFL in the off-season when he announced his retirement at a surprise press conference. āItās time for me to move on,ā said the disgruntled quarterback. āIām tired of getting sacked by Clay Matthews and Ndamukong Suh. Iām tired of throwing interceptions. Iām tired of having my toughness questioned, of being called weak.ā Cutler said he plans to pursue his other dream job. āBeing a starting NFL
Anti-Doping Administration Tests Third Graders at Oshkosh Spelling Bee, Kickball Tournament
OSHKOSH, WI — After running a full battery of tests on competitors at the World Ice Fishing Championship at the Big Eau Pleine Reservoir near Wausua, Wisconsin last week, World Anti-Doping Agency officials made a trip two hours southeast to the Oshkosh Elementary School Third Grade Spelling Bee to test contestants for a similar array of performance enhancing substances. āFor a long time, we figured the only athletes who would use performance enhancing drugs would be like, you know, actual
Athletes Find New Performance-Enhancing Drugs From Unlikely Sources
AUBURN, AL — College and professional athletes alike are facing criticism for using deer antler spray to enhance their performance. Football players at big-time SEC schools in particular have allegedly bought and used deer antler spray despite it being considered a performance-enhancing drug. True, it sounds a bit crazy, but down south football is everything! A special Flipside investigation has unearthed the next groundbreaking PEDs that athletes will abuse. 1. Injecting Elephant Tranquilizer Fluid The tranquilizer fluid will be taken