“In our office, we always strive to make our tours inclusive, and today, that means including all those prospective students and their families that only understand forward-spoken English.”
“This one’s for you grandma!” Blake yelled tearfully, emptying the contents of a dime-bag onto the polished teak and ripping a fat line off of his grandmother’s final resting place.
“They usually stock all the chips on the other side of the store, but for some reason these Tampax chips are over here with all the cough medicine.”
Later that night, students began to report sightings of a “giant, writhing, spider-like creature” near the Bobb recreation room.
“Fucking has always been the foundation of our relationship, and no amount of love we have can ever change that.”
“Towels are just so constricting, you know?” Stevens told the Flipside while sitting naked in a lounge.
“It’s not like we haven’t tried,” said Ainsley.
“I’m actually kind of relieved. I thought he was angry at me because I’m black,” Howard said.
At 9 p.m. last night, chess club president Jonny Kaplan, MEAS ’18, found the room he’d reserved in Kresge completely empty, burst into tears and cried out “They must have midterms!”
While giddily walking away from the prize counter, Northwestern president Morton Schapiro told reporters today that he had exchanged 200 Dave & Busters tickets for a Wildcats nightlight. “I’m a really big Northwestern sports fan, so I’m super excited to have my very own Wildcats nightlight. Oh boy!” Morty exclaimed. Morty reportedly earned the 200 tickets over several hours playing Skee-Ball, whack-a-mole, and pop-a-shot basketball. He was chaperoned around the venue by members of the Board of Trustees. “You should