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Scientists Debate Origins of Obama's Same Sex Marriage Stance

May 14, 2012 Alex Finkelstein

WASHINGTON – President Obama has stated that his views on same sex marriage are “evolving,” culminating in an interview where he announced his support for the practice. The scientific community has since been abuzz looking for theories as to why this transformation occurred. The first main camp contains the gradual evolutionists. Evolutionary Biologist William Smith summarized this position, saying, “Obama has had a long political career and has gradually adapted to a changing environment via natural selection.” He added, “Those

White House Correspondents’ Dinner Features a Record 8 Jokes

April 30, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

Golden Corral Protests Buffet Rule

April 17, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

RALEIGH, NC — President Obama is making the “Buffet Rule” a large part of his reelection campaign, but this proposal has met an unexpected challenger in Golden Corral, famous for its delicious buffets. James H. Maynard, chairman of the corporation, released a statement protesting Obama’s plan of minimum payments from those who are able to consume the most. “Obama’s Buffet Rule is nothing but discrimination. We oppose the President in his work to place an unfair burden on our heaviest

Supreme Court Ruling Allows Americans to Choose Between Free Healthcare and Free Cheeseburger

April 3, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – A landmark ruling on the legality of “Obamacare” has ended in unexpected compromise. Liberal and conservative factions of the Supreme Court have agreed to allow Americans to choose for themselves between extensive affordable healthcare coverage or a succulent medium-rare quarter-pound cheeseburger. According to Gallup polls, voters are unsure of whether to claim their burger now or wait for secondary rulings on French fry and soft-drink inclusion. Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has already seized the ruling as campaign material.

Obama Mic’d Up

April 3, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – President Obama inadvertently left his microphone turned on last Thursday, bluntly revealing to the country what it means to be leader of the free world: [10:02 a.m.] Glad this mic is turned off. [10:05 a.m.] Yo Joe, if I had a son, I hope he wouldn’t look like Mitch McConnell. At least he’d be an American citizen, though. I’m glad we raised taxes so we could spend all that extra money of the birth certificate forging department. [10:08

Obama’s Plan to Grow Handlebar Mustache Meets Quick GOP Backlash

February 22, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama unveiled Tuesday a dramatic new vision for the future of his facial hair. Standing imperially at a podium in the East Room of the White House, Obama announced to the nation, “Today, my face is clean-shaven; my mustache is nonexistent. America, I have decided that this is unacceptable. I have grown the economy the past few years, creating hundreds of thousands of jobs. But I have created nothing on my upper lip. This will all

Aging Obama Makes White House Wheelchair Friendly

February 22, 2012 Dan Lesser Leave a comment

Washington – The only thing more obvious than President Barack Obama’s high probability of being re-elected in November is the gray hair he has grown in recent months. With certain victory ahead, Obama will need to retool the White House if he hopes to live through four more years of a grueling presidency. In a 60 Minutes segment, a visibly tired Obama panted to a reporter, “I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m going to be re-elected – I mean,

Lake Michigan Milk Spill Dubbed ‘Most Unexpected Disaster in History’ by President Obama

January 30, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

MILWAUKEE – In response to the milk spill that covered the western rim of Lake Michigan with a layer of milk fat, President Obama visited the shores of Milwaukee to encourage the thousands of volunteers helping in the cleanup effort. The spilled milk has since spread over a large area, reaching as far as Western Michigan and the north shores of Chicago. Images of flocks of geese covered in milk fat have gathered attention from the press and garnered criticism

White House Shooter Takes Metonymy Literally

November 21, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – Last Wednesday, Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez fired a semiautomatic rifle at the White House, expecting to slay the building and take down the government. “I kept hearing on the news these crazy things the White House was doing,” said Ortega-Hernandez. “Katie Couric told me that ‘The White House finally passed its healthcare overhaul.’ Brian Williams reported, ‘The White House ordered plane strikes on Libya last week.’ It’s obvious the White House is responsible for the stupid liberal agenda that’s

Birthers Apologetic and Tolerant Following Obama’s Disclosure of a Piece of Paper

May 5, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WASHINGTON, DC- Following President Barack Obama’s release of his long-form birth certificate, Birthers nation-wide were left stunned and reticent as any lingering doubts about Obama’s legitimacy as their freely-elected leader were instantly banished, and ultra-right-wing leaders urged their constituents to engage elected officials in a polite, civil manner. Even adamant Birther Donald Trump ordered his supporters to “accept that [Obama] is our rightfully elected leader, and all future disagreements must be handled through negotiation and compromise, not chaos and thinly-veiled