Student to Travel to San Diego to Witness Loss, Decides Indy Wasn’t Far Enough
“The silent 30-hour drive back to Evanston will be the highlight of my college experience.”
“The silent 30-hour drive back to Evanston will be the highlight of my college experience.”
As winter break dorm inspections draw near, Weinberg sophomore Keith Harding announced plans to prevent his RA from confiscating his microwave by burying it inside a 50-lb bag of cocaine. “I really like the convenience of having a microwave in my room, but I’m technically not allowed to keep electrical appliances in here,” said Harding, a frequent re-heater known throughout South Campus as an instant oatmeal plug. “Boy oh boy, this ought to fool them!” Northwestern Residential Services acknowledged to
“I don’t understand how 8,000 undergrads can look at me and only see my ten-billion dollar endowment and multi-million annual salary. I’m, like, a really good listener!”
“Mom made the cranberry pie almost as well as Grandma used to, so by next year it won’t even be noticeable.”
“I was jumping up and down, screaming for him to go back to his burrow.”
Really Samantha? You chose to stoop that high? Have some decency… but not enough decency to do that.
“We were worried that the extremely high-quality journalism that we usually produce would overshadow the mourning of the nation and the Bush family,” said a representative from the Daily.
They’re orange, powdery and drenched in milk. Seemingly unassuming, they manage to divide the masses like none other. It’s rare that such a small thing can cause such polarization, but they do so with aplomb. Yes, I am talking about cheetos in milk. And yes, I think they’re the best winter vegetable out there (and I know many of you will disagree). Cheetos in milk get a lot of flak, and I have to admit that I was also once
“I thought I was the only one on campus taking 150mg of Zoloft every morning,” said Michaels of her dosage.
“It just seemed right,” said Satan. “Even I was creeped out by the Locy basement—I was like, ‘wow, looks like someone beat me to it.’”