The international community has been bewildered, with multiple UN representatives expressing disbelief over the historically peaceful Middle-Eastern nation suddenly cracking down on freedom of the press.
“The anonymous donor was unsatisfied with the public response to the name change, and for some reason was demanding that Pope Francis declare Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner to be the Antichrist.”
A new study published in the Daily Northwestern has revealed that you are neither academically nor socially good enough to go here.
“I understand that this is the nature of election season in these increasingly digital times, there are also lines that should not under any circumstances be crossed.”
After making his rounds through the various Sunday dinners hosted by Northwestern fraternities, Star Trek fanatic Kirk Spockard has allegedly found his future brotherhood with “Sci-Fi”.
“Ultimately, I think we’re all better off if whiny bitches like Craigery just synchronized their screams, for efficiency’s sake,” said librarian and professional shusher Rita Lotte.
As the app gains popularity, officials hope students will be inspired by their personalized jerseys and may one day wear them as they sit through an entire game.
“As time went on, the constant drunkenness and mild-homoeroticism really made me feel comfortable.”
Costumes reportedly included timeless classics such as a slutty devil, slutty cat, and slutty alien, but also included throwback outfits like slutty ‘80s workout instructor and topical statements such as a slutty absentee ballot.
Here’s the bottom line: if the climate is changing, you look away! Stop measuring the weather and making your graphs, and shut your eyes, for Christ’s sake!