“Yeah? Well I Have Seventeen Midterms Tomorrow,” Boasts Local Jerk
Rumors suggest that Chesterton may be the elusive and mythical obnoxicus doucheium, or “busiest student.”
Monthly Archives: April 2018
Man Spends 30 Hours Reading Old Marvel Comics in Preparation to Criticize Infinity War
In preparation for the event, Johnson has read the entirety of the Infinity War series, the origin stories of every major character in the movie, and other Marvel comics relating to superhero teams ranging from the Fantastic Four to the Defenders.
Morty Moves to Nicaragua Under Assumption that New ASG President Has Replaced Him
Apparently not understanding the difference between “university president” and “student-body president,” Morty Schapiro has permanently moved to Nicaragua under the assumption that the new ASG president has replaced him.
Area Man Writes Passive-Aggressive Yelp Reviews for Parties He’s Not Invited To
“No chips, no beer, no music, and the host is irrationally afraid of sea lions,” wrote Melbourne about his lifelong friend and frat pledge, Frank, after not getting invited to the Beta Beta Gamma rager this past weekend.
Exclusive: ASG President-Elect Accepted $13.35 in Bribes During Term as Academics VP
A formal report filed by an anonymous whistleblower to the ASG Election Commission alleges that Jason Guo, Junior Undersecretary to the Vice Admiral of Academics, delivered an Edzo’s double-griddle burger and strawberry milkshake to Patterson and never received reimbursement.
Area Girlfriend Moving Relationship from Double to Single
Citing a need for more alone time and independence, Kent ended her arrangement with Dent on Wednesday, leaving Dent scrambling to figure out what he will do next year.
Kellogg Dickwad Explains Labor Market to Homeless Man Outside CVS
“You see, if you draw this line here, and this line here, and then you move the point of intersection…” Rossi said, explaining why the man’s situation was a predictable result of the supply and demand graphs for labor.
Grosse Point Lighthouse Leads Morty’s “S.S. Tuition Raise” Safely to Shore
The maiden voyage of the jewel-encrusted sea vessel had been scheduled for yesterday despite inclement weather warnings.
Bikes in Storage Tired of Dry Spell, Ready to be Lubed and Sat On Again
“A local bike shop was there to pump the tires and make sure the bikes could still perform, despite being inactive for an entire quarter.”
Naruto Manga Announced to Be Class of ’23 One Book
“We know people don’t really read the One Book,” she explained, “but if it is filled with drawings of lovable ninja adolescents and their enlightening journeys to become the greatest Hokage the village has ever had, what college student could possibly pass that up?”