Op-ed: Stop Looking at the Climate While it’s Changing, You Perverts!
Here’s the bottom line: if the climate is changing, you look away! Stop measuring the weather and making your graphs, and shut your eyes, for Christ’s sake!
Raising Prices 3.6% Only Business Strategy Taught in Kellogg
“I think the 3.6% strategy really synergizes the business owner’s desire to make money and impoverish millennials.”
Schapiro’s “Ofmorty” Joke Falls Flat at Handmaid’s Tale Keynote
At most there were a few sharp inhales, but that was as close to laughter as Schapiro got.
MTV to Feature Lincoln Dorm on New Episode of “MTV Cribs”
It was only after receiving an email from Northwestern president Morton Schapiro offering the production company a look into Northwestern’s new five-star rated housing that Diaz knew the new season would be a success.
Area Student Channeling All Hope and Depression into Windowsill Basil Plant
When Maddie Fisher, WCAS ’21, began to plan her dorm room décor through a series of Pinterest boards, she had no idea that her basil plant would grow to become such a big part of her life. Inspired by a stack of interior design magazines, Fisher assumed that a basil plant would add to the décor of the room. Instead, Fisher found that the plant, Jonathan, was a great listener. Jonathan would listen to her problems with her boyfriend, Jorge,
Area Nudist Dresses Up for Halloween
“Usually I just put a napkin on my pecker to make it look like a ghost, but this year the community is expecting something more,” Scoggs explained to the press.
Morty Still Waiting for Class of 2021 to Venmo Him for Hamilton Tickets
After waiting a year for the Class of 2021 to get back to him, Morty Schapiro publicly announced this week that he is still waiting on each and every one of them to Venmo him for the Hamilton tickets from last year. “Listen, I thought I was very clear in how this deal works,” stated a very disgruntled Morty, “I get the tickets, and you guys just Venmo me back the full $200 for your own. Our school is in
Morty Embroiled in Scandal After Cheating During Game of Guess Who
A rule breach in a game of Guess Who could result in Moriarty Schapiro going on a long time out, or even getting grounded for a few days.
Mysterious “Creature of the Lakefill” Revealed to be Morty Night-Swimming
“I didn’t want to frighten anyone. I just like playing around with the ducks.”
Dining Hall Now Offers a Slap Across Your Fucking Face With Raw Chicken Breast
The move comes after the new dining service Compass merged with PĂĽnchindafäce™, a transnational Swedish corporation that fuses gastronomic arts and sadomasochism.