Legrande warned reporters that visiting luxurious hotels, perfectly-manicured beaches, and 4-star restaurants with even tenuously-related kin could potentially do irreparable damage to an average adult’s heart.
PARIS — Three weeks into his two-month Study Abroad program, rising senior Jimmy Bullock confirmed today that he has successfully completed Season 4 of critically-acclaimed drama Breaking Bad. The AMC program, which begins its 6th and final season this August, was reportedly savored by Bullock in binge-watching marathons during free evenings and weekends while other students in the program were taking advantage of their once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to explore Europe. “This program is fantastic!” Bullock gushed in a recent blog post,
MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Former NSA analyst Edward Snowden has evaded the clutches of his pursuers once again by cleverly adopting the disguise of a terrified, disheveled 60-year-old. Snowden’s continued freedom is believed to hinge on his new appearance being a sharp departure from the now-familiar photo of a fresh-faced 29-year-old idealist interviewed in a Hong Kong hotel room just two weeks ago by The Guardian. Multiple sources report that Snowden first adopted his new disguise while trapped in a Moscow
NASHVILLE, TN — NRA Executive Vice President/Walking Effigy Wayne LaPierre took to the stage today to thoroughly denounce the recent spate of “3D-printed” guns as irresponsible, deadly, and a major unchecked threat to the security of his end of year bonus. Speaking to a rapt, ravenous audience of gun owners who seemingly didn’t have anywhere else to be on a Monday afternoon, LaPierre framed the plastic, largely-untraceable devices (which could become increasingly problematic as the price of 3D printers drop)
ATLANTA, GA — Following their botched reporting of last Tuesday’s Boston Marathon bombings, during which the once-venerable network continually reported unverified (and untrue) claims as fact, cable news outlet CNN has announced a controversial plan to formulate and launch a terrorist attack on US soil. Cable News Network’s parent company Time Warner hopes that by planning and executing a deadly, meticulous strike themselves, CNN’s reporters will actually be able to get the facts right this time. According to verified sources
