Former Leo Happy That His Sign is Now That 69 Looking Thing
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Jay Cutler Now an Aries, Doomed to Lose to Packers
CHICAGO â The Chicago Bears organization announced Tuesday that quarterback Jay Cutler would never again defeat the Green Bay Packers due to the realignment of the zodiac. According to head coach Lovie Smith, team psychic Mademoiselle Estrelanga Strelengelthop completed her analysis of what the stars have in store for the Bears Monday evening, when the alignment of Jupiter and Sirius was conducive to productive astrologizing. The results were not good for Bears fans. âSince we finally realized that the zodiac
Wikipedia, A Tribute
The writers of The Flipside have planned to write an article commemorating the tenth anniversary of the creation of Wikipedia. However, due to approaching midterms and general laziness, we have decided to just copy and paste the Wikipedia entry on Wikipedia instead. Happy tenth, Wikipedia! Wikipedia ( /ËwÉȘkÉȘËpiËdi.É/ or /ËwÉȘkiËpiËdi.É/ WIK-i-PEE-dee-É) is a free, web-based, collaborative, multilingual encyclopedia project supported by the non-profit Wikimedia Foundation. Its 17 million articles (over 3.5 million in English) have been written collaboratively by volunteers
Northwestern Accepts all 30,000 Applicants, Awards No Aid to Increase Budget
EVANSTON â President Morton Schapiro announced Wednesday that the Admissions Office will not be printing out any rejection letters this year. Schapiro stated that the purpose of this decision was to âallow the benefits of Northwestern to reach as many students as possible.â His eyes then shiftily darted left-to-right several times, and numerous audience members swore that Schapiro said âCha-ching!â Schapiroâs remarks were made in a joint press conference with University Director of Financial Aid, Carolyn Lindley. Lindley stated that
Class of 2014 Expelled to Make Room for Class of 2015
By no means can a Class of 2016 be allowed to apply, or weâre all fucked.
PR China Preserves Twelve-Sign Zodiac, Arrests Horoscope Writers
School For Illiterate Bans ‘Huck Finn’ Over Misread Title
NASHVILLE â Located just outside the Tennessee capitol, the school board of the Lakewood Childrenâs Institute reached a decision this Wednesday to ban all copies of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn from its premises. The administration found itself in this situation due to a long list of complaints from teachers and parents claiming that students frequently misread the bookâs title and pronounced âthe F-bombâ instead. Considering that Lakewood Childrenâs Institute teaches exclusively illiterate and dyslexic children, evidently this happened quite
NUIT strives for an even more irritating CAESAR
EVANSTONâAfter the release of the Inception last July, the hit film has become Americaâs most notorious mindfuck. Up until that point, Northwesternâs class-selecting service, CAESAR, held that title. NUIT admitted its defeat after the film hit the box office this summer. However, NUIT is not to be outdone. According to Todd Robertson, NUIT’s head technician, next year’s edition of CAESAR will not only be equally as confusing as Nolanâs film, but it will also make researching and registering for classes
Lawyer Watches Future Trophy Wife Take Her First Steps
CHICAGO â At a special gathering reserved for close friends and family, Chicagoland fixture Jakob Steinberg (of high-powered law firm Steinberg, Steinberg, and Bergstein) was blessed with the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to watch his future trophy wife take her first steps. 10-month-old Sophie Czerwinska, the young lady in question, was reportedly enamored with the 46-year-old lawyer, who has been close friends with her father Victor since grade school and has been having an affair with Victorâs wife Elaine for the past
Isaac Newton First Discovered 80085=âBOOBSâ
LONDON â Members of the Royal Society of London reported to have found evidence that Sir Isaac Newton first discovered that the number 80,085 looks a lot like the word âBOOBSâ. While reviewing Newtonâs original manuscripts, Professors Rob Ellington and David Barrow unearthed a document suggesting that the same man who theorized the fundamental laws of motion also noticed how to spell âBOOBSâ with numbers. The text of the manuscript reads, âIt would appear that the sum of eighty-thousand and