âWe are honored to present Bandit âthe Outdoor Roombaâ with this degree,â stated university President Morton Shapiro, âthis little trash thief is singlehandedly reducing each of our carbon footprints and we feel itâs time to recognize his achievements.â
Though the free condoms and candy of Northwesternâs Sex Week have come and gone, its effects on the student body have only just begun to be felt â and explored.
âWe wanted to distance ourselves from this debate over work culture and proper mental care to focus on what we think the university really stands for. Money.â
âAs if I didnât trust Facebook enough already,â said Ted Damon, area father, âI can definitely put my faith in it now that itâs showing me how well it knows me.â Prompted for clarification, Damon said, âWho doesnât love a business that listens to its customers?â
“He needs the sun to raise his body temperature to the optimal algorithm-writing temperature.â
âEvery time I hear her go âHavana ooh nana,â a little part of me dies inside, and I feel my soul slowly wither away.”
“It was all done to help the campaign. Seriously, why donât you try giving a speech with two plastic bags hanging off the sides of your face?”
Beginning this quarter, the Frontera Fresco Mexican grill located in the Norris Center will now be open just fifteen minutes a week, from 4:30 A.M. to 4:45 A.M.
Celebrating the end of a successful college career full of lifelong friendships and treasured experiences that will never be forgotten, a lucky student has had their hard work rewarded by landing the one job that combines both their passion and career goals. Unfortunately, it was not you.
“The poor sucker should have recognized that by the fifth bag, people werenât going to deal with it anymore.”