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Category Archives: Entertainment

Disney Freezes Harrison Ford

November 8, 2012 Min Lee Leave a comment

BURBANK, CA — The Walt Disney Corporation has announced that it has cryogenically frozen Harrison Ford–who portrayed Han Solo in the popular Star Wars series–in preparation for the next Star Wars movie. Robert Goldberg, a Disney executive, said in a press conference, “While Ford is a great actor, we couldn’t ignore his old age, and since we don’t want him to die on us before we start the filming process, we went ahead with the procedure.” Fans of the Star

EPD Officer Wishing He Was Assigned to Reel Big Fish’s Set

May 22, 2012 Flippy

EVANSTON – Following assignment postings for EPD and campus security personnel in anticipation of 2012 Dillo Day events, Evanston police officer Eric Mills, 29, expressed regret that he would not be stationed at the Lakefill for the Reel Big Fish performance. “I mean, yeah, Cold War Kids are alright and all,” Mills reportedly told his supervisor, “but Cheer Up! was one of my favorite albums back when I was in college. And I can’t think of any better way to

ABC Exec Says No Changes Necessary for New Year’s Rockin’ Eve

April 24, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

ABC STUDIOS, MANHATTAN—The entertainment community was completely unsurprised to learn this past week that broadcasting icon Dick Clark had passed away as a result of a heart attack at age 82 in his Santa Monica home. Though official records report Mr. Clark’s time of death as sometime during the morning of Wednesday April 18th, 2012, medical examiners say he actually could have died as early as January 4th, 2005, the date his last facial twitch was observed. The entertainer’s death

Iran Wins Best Foreign Film, Abandons Nuclear Program

February 29, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

TEHRAN – Minutes after the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film was awarded to A Separation, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the country will abandon its controversial nuclear program. The president spoke from a makeshift stage set up in the middle of the city’s famous Azadi Square accompanied by a local dance troupe performing an elaborate interpretive dance sequence representing the award statuette. “This is the joyous day when the great state of Iran, with its glorious

Read more Entertainment, No. 77, Politics, World

Eeyore Killed in House Collapse

February 29, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

THE HUNDRED ACRE WOOD, EAST SUSSEX, ENGLAND – The Lewes Police Force reported Tuesday that Eeyore, the lugubrious but beloved stuffed donkey best known through his acquaintance with Edward Bear (colloquially known as “Winnie-the-Pooh”), was found dead Tuesday. Eeyore, seen at right in a 2003 picture, was 85 years old. Constable Henry Anderson discovered the body under a pile of logs after the Lewes Police received a 999 call from Mr. Pooh. “It was a grisly sight,” shuddered Anderson. “His

Silent Film Star Fails to Accept Award Silently, Oscar Retracted

February 29, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

The audience at the ceremony watched in shock as the supposed Frenchman bellowed his acceptance speech and proclaimed his JOIE DE VIVRE! to the very rafters of the Kodak Theater in what can only be described as a Brooklyn accent.

GOP Nominates Meryl Streep For President

February 1, 2012 Lauren Schneider Leave a comment

WASHINGTON D.C. – After witnessing her powerful portrayal of UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady, the Republican Party has announced the nomination of Meryl Streep for candidacy for President of the United States. Predictions show that the lovely and talented Streep will pull ahead in the next primary, using her track record of Academy Awards and Golden Globes as an indication of her popularity with the masses and her ability to achieve. Many GOP politicians are shifting

Read more Entertainment, No. 73, Politics

“Ask Kenan” But Not About Kel: Burger Magnate to Keep USDA Prime Secrets

January 24, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

EVANSTON — A&O Productions is thrilled to announce that winter speaker Kenan Thompson will be performing this Friday January 27, 2012 at Pick-Staiger Auditorium, and will answer questions in a brief Q&A period following his stand-up routine. As advertised on their “ASK KENAN” posters, A&O says students can feel free to ask the performer questions about any aspect of his rich television and film career, with the exception of any subjects related to his former co-star and business partner Kel

Read more Articles, Entertainment, No. 72

Al-Qaeda Admit That Mark Wahlberg Would Have Kicked Their Asses

January 24, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

After Wahlberg claimed that “[the hijacking] wouldn’t have went down like it did” in a Men’s Journal interview, Al-Qaeda spokesmen ceded that years of planning and use of terror tactics would have completely unraveled in the steely, unsmiling face of the Contraband star.

Tanorexia a Growing Concern for Uprooted Guidos

January 16, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

MTV’s Jersey Shore Cast Raises Awareness for Spreading Medical Concern SEASIDE HEIGHTS — While culture critics have decried Jersey Shore as “inane,” the season premiere of the reality show has brought an important health issue facing young Americans to the public consciousness. In Italy, a country famous for its cold climate and harsh terrain, Mike, Vinny, Pauly D, and the rest of the cast have suffered from “tanorexia,” struggling to maintain an even burnt-orange base-coat last season. The seriousness of