Swiper Joins Tinder, Morally Conflicted
A tiny Dora sporting devil horns appeared over his right shoulder, chanting “Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping. SWIPER, NO SWIPING!”
Category Archives: Featured
Trump Sees Widespread Protests, Resigns
“Trump has always been a very sensitive soul and he has always cared very deeply for the opinion of the American people.”
Northwestern Basketball Finally Relevant Enough to Disappoint
“This isn’t what we’ve come to expect from the team. I’m really not sure how to explain it”, said head coach Chris Collins, visibly perplexed by the team’s current record of 16-4.
Women’s March to Conveniently End at Neiman Marcus
“Many of us have returns in our trunks and they’re having a great sale—20% off to accommodate the 20% less we get on our paychecks.”
Screeching Harpies Drag Sorority Rushees Back to Lair
“THE UNANOINTED SHALL BE BROUGHT FORTH UNTO US FOR JUDGEMENT. THEIR TORMENT IN LIMBO WILL SEE THEM REWARDED SO SAYETH ASMODEUS, RUSH CHAIR.”
Area Cyber-Sleuth Finds Hot Girl from Class on Facebook
“As soon as I saw that blonde chick in the third row wearing those yoga pants, I just knew I had to figure out who she was.”
Area Douchebag Turns to Kant in Times of Crisis
His classmates can’t wait for him to go to a small liberal arts college, where he’ll eventually become philosophy professor and never be heard from again.
SPAC Closed on MLK Day, Hundreds of Leg Days Ruined
In addition to cancelling classes, many buildings across campus were closed, including the Henry Crown Sports Pavilion and Aquatic Center.
Area Man’s Mind Closed for MLK Day
Several sources reported today that Evanston resident Gary Chambliss’ mind will be closed today in observance of Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
Frat to Celebrate MLK Day by Watching The Office’s Basketball Episode
“The episode is a brilliant commentary on the dangerous consequences of stereotyping. Not all black people are good at basketball, not all fat people suck at basketball, and women are sometimes okay at basketball too.”