Sophomore Remains Unfazed by Read Receipts on âHeyâ Texts
“I’m sure she’s just busy. Or playing hard to get. I get that from chicks a ton.”
Category Archives: Featured
Fraternity to Move Thursday-Night Rapes to Off-Campus House
“We are encouraged by recent efforts enacted by the Interfraternity Council (IFC). We feel this will curb sexual assault on campus, and effectively push it off campus,â remarked Patricia Telles-Irvin.
âWeâre Doing Our Best,â Says Administration that Provides Frats On-campus Housing
âSexual assault allegations in an on-campus residential hall are best handled with strongly worded campus-wide emails and whatever an âawareness workshopâ is.â
Sex Week Comes Early, Organizers Embarrassed
âFrankly, we, the organizers of Sex Week, were just as blindsided as the students. The whole thing just blew up in our face. It was a complete mess.â
Turns Out Club Penguin was Muslim
Thanks to a team of crack investigators, reporters have heard directly from inside sources that, in fact, Disney-owned Club Penguin is Muslim.
Non-Area Student Visits Campus
Over the weekend non-area student Alex Jackson visited Northwesternâs campus. Sources indicate he was somewhat impressed.
Roommate Counters Humidifier Purchase with Dehumidifier
âShe has every right to put a humidifier on her side of the room. Just like I have every right to cancel it out with a dehumidifier on my side.â
Republican RA to Counter Walkout with Muslim Lockout
âThis new policy will both keep Hinman safe from all forms of Terrorism and make those liberals regret every protesting.”
Sean Spicer, Author of To Kill a Mockingbird, to Speak at NU
The novel, which follows the coming-of-age of a Southern girl against a background of racial unrest, is reported by critics to have been penned by the late Harper Lee, but Spicer emphatically denies these claims.
Mayoral Candidate Passes the “Who Would I Shoot Heroin With?” Test
“When I look through all of these candidates, I just see a bunch of old out-of-touch men I’d never want to shoot heroin with, but Quinn is something different.”