Sex Week Comes Early, Organizers Embarrassed
“Frankly, we, the organizers of Sex Week, were just as blindsided as the students. The whole thing just blew up in our face. It was a complete mess.”
Category Archives: Featured
Turns Out Club Penguin was Muslim
Thanks to a team of crack investigators, reporters have heard directly from inside sources that, in fact, Disney-owned Club Penguin is Muslim.
Non-Area Student Visits Campus
Over the weekend non-area student Alex Jackson visited Northwestern’s campus. Sources indicate he was somewhat impressed.
Roommate Counters Humidifier Purchase with Dehumidifier
“She has every right to put a humidifier on her side of the room. Just like I have every right to cancel it out with a dehumidifier on my side.”
Republican RA to Counter Walkout with Muslim Lockout
“This new policy will both keep Hinman safe from all forms of Terrorism and make those liberals regret every protesting.”
Sean Spicer, Author of To Kill a Mockingbird, to Speak at NU
The novel, which follows the coming-of-age of a Southern girl against a background of racial unrest, is reported by critics to have been penned by the late Harper Lee, but Spicer emphatically denies these claims.
Mayoral Candidate Passes the “Who Would I Shoot Heroin With?” Test
“When I look through all of these candidates, I just see a bunch of old out-of-touch men I’d never want to shoot heroin with, but Quinn is something different.”
Op-Ed: My President was White
To my knowledge, Morty is not black, or any other race other than white.
Area Student Finally Finishes Netflix
Patterson, who hadn’t been seen in person since September, emerged from Elder on Monday morning, looking terribly sleep deprived but ready to attend classes and talk to other people.
Curious Sophomore Disappears after Asking to See NU Landscaping Budget
“There’s something huge in those files. Maybe it’s just that the landscaping contractors skim some off the top, but maybe there’s something they don’t want us to know.”