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Morty Authorizes Drone Strikes On Students Wearing Other Schools’ Apparel

February 17, 2013 Adam Pecena Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro announced yesterday afternoon after his annual meeting with President Obama that he found the U.S. President’s tactics using drone strikes against American enemies extremely inspiring. “In fact,” President Schapiro said, “I am releasing an NU executive order right at this moment, and yes, per the latest ASG legislation nobody has read, I can do that, that the university administration is hereby allowed to launch drones against the enemies of the university.” The new

University Shuttles to Run Only When You’re Not There

February 16, 2013 Noah Rawitz Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Students such as yourself have recently noticed that during winter months, campus shuttles will make their stops only when you’re not waiting at one of them. University officials have confirmed this phenomenon. “Part of this new policy comes from the extra snow we’ve been getting. It makes for slower routes and delayed stop times,” said Jack Colhoff, a University Services representative. “But it’s mostly to build character.” Colhoff said you’ll thank him later, because walking in single-digit weather

Denied Early Decision Applicant Demands Racial Quotas Be Reinstated

February 15, 2013 Dan Weinberg Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Sally Evans, currently a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant senior at Richard B. Russell High School, received a rejection letter from Northwestern after applying early decision. After mulling it over for several weeks, she decided Thursday to take a stand for what is right. “I’m not racist,” the teen said. “I just don’t think it’s fair that I worked so hard and still didn’t get into Northwestern. If the quotas from the ‘60s were still in place, this never would’ve

[Nostalgia Issue] Student Incapable of Feeling Nostalgic For Memories, Only Pop Culture References

February 12, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Struck by a sudden fit of nostalgia while walking to class, Northwestern biology major Keith Catania fondly reminisced about his childhood infatuation with Pokémon Red, Beanie Babies, and The Land Before Time. Reports indicate that not even a single one of Catania’s wistful smiles was in remembrance of a shared human experience over the course of 21 years of life. “God I miss the 90s sooooo much!” Catania posted to Facebook upon arriving at class. The junior then opened an emulator

[Nostalgia Issue] The Flipside Investigates: No Substitute for Substitutes

February 11, 2013 Allison Ortega Leave a comment

EVANSTON — You remember the feeling. You’re waiting for 6th period to start in a post brown-bag lunch haze, wishing only that you didn’t have to endure another science class with Mrs. Stebbins (and that you had more fruit gushers, I mean seriously, there’s only like seven in each bag). You are consumed with this mix of dread and high fructose corn syrup, when suddenly, it happens. A woman you’ve never laid eyes on before enters the room with a

NU Says It’s Only Fair To Have More Fairs

February 7, 2013 Adam Pecena Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern University administrators declared yesterday that the campus will host a record number of fairs this year. Events Management Chair Neil Cordoba foreshadowed some of the future happenings: “We could not help noticing the repeated success of the Activities Fair, the Volunteer Fair, the Jobs and Internships Fair, not to mention our other fairs, so we made a commitment to add a fair number more this year.” Following the Housing Fair in February, a new Louis Hall event

ASG Passes Sweeping Frontera Fresco Line Reform

February 6, 2013 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON — After the 2012 student surveys, both North Campus and South Campus members of the Associated Student Government reached an agreement to curb long lines at Frontera Fresco. The compromise represented a significant policy shift for North Campus members in order to appease their more liberal counterparts. “There’s clearly a change in demographics,” said North Campus Minority Leader Mitch Levy. His party has typically supported old-fashioned gender policies (through single-sex Greek houses), advanced interrogation (hazing), and the opposition of

After a Cyberattack on the New York Times, China Targets The Flipside

February 4, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

BEIJING — After using advanced infiltration techniques to target The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal in a “cyberattack,” the Chinese government is refocusing its aggressive Internet policy on The Northwestern Flipside. China views the insightful coverage the publication gives to Northwestern University campus life as invaluable information on the unpatriotic activities of international students. Fortunately, the Chinese plan was thwarted by the professional security provided by WordPress and no information was leaked. Other on-campus publications were also

Northwestern Encourages Teach for America to Keep Down Student Unemployment Numbers

January 31, 2013 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Jacob Lurie, a School of Communications senior, walks out of the jobs fair. He is tired from talking to companies that contribute so much good to the world: Deloitte, Bane, the marketing team in University of Chicago’s athletic department. He is holding his resume, which does not include his GPA. Looking in the mirror at a face that’s never taken a single education class, Lurie says to himself, “I’ve heard TFA is pretty awesome.” Lurie is not alone. In

Dance Marathon Fundraisers Lose Money

January 30, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

EVANSTON — In a rapid race to meet the half-money deadline, Dance Marathon participants have been holding fundraisers across campus, netting approximately -$3,750 as of Friday. Freshman Keri Brandl, who will be dancing for her sorority Quad-Delt, said that she hosted a doughnut sale in her floor lounge last Wednesday. “I was selling them for a dollar each, but no one was buying them,” Brandl said, “So I decided to barter with the other person in the lounge who was