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Weather Forces Happiness Club to Disband

April 28, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON – On April 22, members of Northwestern’s Happiness Club dissolved their organization due to the 34 degree weather. For some context, it was 78 at Emory, 84 at Rice, and 69 at Vanderbilt at the time the decision was made. Just saying. “It just wasn’t worth it anymore,” said former Happiness Club president Ben Ulman. “I don’t even know if there is such a thing as happiness when it’s grayer outside than the area in the Protess situation.” The

Police Surprised to Find Marijuana at Fraternity House

April 28, 2011 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Last week, police were stunned at what they found at a Northwestern fraternity house when they happened upon a bag of marijuana and two pieces of drug paraphernalia. Police entered the house when a “faulty” smoke detector went off. When asked about the situation Chief of Police Bill Carter said, he was “perplexed” by it all. He added, “It was just a normal day, I wrote the date, April 20th, in my ledger like any other. I did

Bailey to Teach Introduction to the Unspeakably Obscene

April 28, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

The professor seeks “to open up a mature, academic dialogue about uncommon sexual practices . . . so blood-curdlingly unnatural they make Two Girls One Cup look like a Disney movie.”

Sex Week Paves Way for Abortion Month

April 20, 2011 Tom Shimandle Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Resident sexual deviance advocate J. Michael Bailey was very proud of the student body for touching itself all last week. “Really, I am just so proud that the students of Northwestern could focus a week of their school year on something that I have held so close to my heart for my entire life. It’s a wonder to hear about the young people learning and trying new things, like experimenting with flavored lubricants, studded collars and low-voltage tasers.”

Everyone’s Favorite Pokemon Trainer Elected as ASG Vice President

April 20, 2011 Jay Calhoun Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The Northwestern University student body recently elected Austin Young as 2011-12 President of the Associated Student Government (ASG). Young ostensibly garnered many votes because of his chosen running mate, the popular Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town. While Austin vocally supported policies including better communication between ASG members and the implementation of systems designed to make students’ voices heard, Ash ran on the platform of dissolving the Team Rocket fan club and allowing all students to select Pikachu as

NU Apologizes to Blind Students in Email

April 20, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A lawsuit was filed against Northwestern University last March by a group of blind students. The students claimed that the University was discriminating against blind students by using a Google email client that is not fully compatible with text-to-speech software. Last week, Northwestern administrators apologized to the blind students in an email sent out to the Students With Disabilities listserv. Below is the text of that email. from: uservices@northwestern.edu <uservices@northwestern.edu> to: SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu <SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu> date: Fri, Mar. 15, 2011

eduHookups poll

April 13, 2011 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

Student Contracts Deadly Disease After Setting Foot on Shower Floor

April 13, 2011 Alex Chudler Leave a comment

“I’ve started to lose feeling in my leg,” Gonzalez says. “Every time I take a step it feels really tingly, kind of like someone is stabbing me with a blade covered in hot sauce.”

Due to NFL Lockout, Players Forced to Actually Learn

April 6, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Due to the recent NFL lockout, universities across the country are being forced to reconsider their football programs, which often allow players to attend college without ever really being challenged. Some schools have chosen to actually try to educate their players, but the more common response has been to simply send them back to middle school, where they will fit in academically. According to Bill Finkelton, the director of the University of Alabama football program, they’re going to

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Class of 2015 More Diverse than Humanly Possible (By Morton Shapiro)

April 6, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

In the never-ending quest for more diversity, Northwestern has finally won. Pop open the Champaign, sake, unfiltered water—whatever your culture does. It’s time to fucking celebrate. Listen to this class breakdown and try not to be over-fucking-whelmed by the diversity rainbow. 30 percent Native American, 25 percent African American, 15 percent Asian, 10 percent from countries that haven’t even formed yet. … Let me pause to give you a second to clean off whatever you just jizzed onto your screen…