Local | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: Local

Sex Week Paves Way for Abortion Month

April 20, 2011 Tom Shimandle Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Resident sexual deviance advocate J. Michael Bailey was very proud of the student body for touching itself all last week. “Really, I am just so proud that the students of Northwestern could focus a week of their school year on something that I have held so close to my heart for my entire life. It’s a wonder to hear about the young people learning and trying new things, like experimenting with flavored lubricants, studded collars and low-voltage tasers.”

Everyone’s Favorite Pokemon Trainer Elected as ASG Vice President

April 20, 2011 Jay Calhoun Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The Northwestern University student body recently elected Austin Young as 2011-12 President of the Associated Student Government (ASG). Young ostensibly garnered many votes because of his chosen running mate, the popular Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town. While Austin vocally supported policies including better communication between ASG members and the implementation of systems designed to make students’ voices heard, Ash ran on the platform of dissolving the Team Rocket fan club and allowing all students to select Pikachu as

NU Apologizes to Blind Students in Email

April 20, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A lawsuit was filed against Northwestern University last March by a group of blind students. The students claimed that the University was discriminating against blind students by using a Google email client that is not fully compatible with text-to-speech software. Last week, Northwestern administrators apologized to the blind students in an email sent out to the Students With Disabilities listserv. Below is the text of that email. from: uservices@northwestern.edu <uservices@northwestern.edu> to: SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu <SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu> date: Fri, Mar. 15, 2011

eduHookups poll

April 13, 2011 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

Student Contracts Deadly Disease After Setting Foot on Shower Floor

April 13, 2011 Alex Chudler Leave a comment

“I’ve started to lose feeling in my leg,” Gonzalez says. “Every time I take a step it feels really tingly, kind of like someone is stabbing me with a blade covered in hot sauce.”

Due to NFL Lockout, Players Forced to Actually Learn

April 6, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Due to the recent NFL lockout, universities across the country are being forced to reconsider their football programs, which often allow players to attend college without ever really being challenged. Some schools have chosen to actually try to educate their players, but the more common response has been to simply send them back to middle school, where they will fit in academically. According to Bill Finkelton, the director of the University of Alabama football program, they’re going to

Read more Articles, Local, No. 54, Sports

Class of 2015 More Diverse than Humanly Possible (By Morton Shapiro)

April 6, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

In the never-ending quest for more diversity, Northwestern has finally won. Pop open the Champaign, sake, unfiltered water—whatever your culture does. It’s time to fucking celebrate. Listen to this class breakdown and try not to be over-fucking-whelmed by the diversity rainbow. 30 percent Native American, 25 percent African American, 15 percent Asian, 10 percent from countries that haven’t even formed yet. … Let me pause to give you a second to clean off whatever you just jizzed onto your screen…

Point-Counterpoint: Should the Debate Team Celebrate Their Victory with a Party?

April 5, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

The Debate Team Deserves a Party! By Clare Roth OH HELL YES we gon’ party. (Like it’s our birthdays, gonna sip Barcardi like it’s our—wait, hold up those are the lyrics right? Yes? No? That shit was my jam back at the 7th grade parties) As you will see by the end of this debate, the answer is clear that we, the winning Northwestern Debate Team, should have a party. I’ll break it down for you. We never have anything

Read more Articles, Local, No. 54, Opinion

Shy Student Almost Raises His Hand

April 5, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A shy student moved his hand in an upward motion—while his elbow bent almost to the point where it was even with his hand—in an apparent effort to answer a question. As the 357 political science teacher started to make eye contact with the student at 3:45 p.m., the shy guy quickly lowered his hand. “I really thought he was going to do it,” said classmate Laura Berg. “I wonder what his voice sounds like.” The student, whose

Bailey: “I was on a drug, it’s called J. Michael Bailey”

March 9, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Controversial NU psychology professor J. Michael Bailey was under attack again today for his approval of a live sex demonstration at an after class event. Critics in and out of the psychology world say Bailey crossed an ethical line, one that should result in punishment for him and Northwestern University. “I was on a drug,” Bailey told Flipside investigators, “it’s called J. Michael Bailey. It’s not available because if you try it once, you’ll have an orgasm three