Jaded Obama Shows up to Work in Sweatpants
“Many of my sources have commented on [the recent change]. One of them compared it to high school senioritis.”
Category Archives: Local
Area Douchebag Turns to Kant in Times of Crisis
His classmates can’t wait for him to go to a small liberal arts college, where he’ll eventually become philosophy professor and never be heard from again.
SPAC Closed on MLK Day, Hundreds of Leg Days Ruined
In addition to cancelling classes, many buildings across campus were closed, including the Henry Crown Sports Pavilion and Aquatic Center.
Area Man’s Mind Closed for MLK Day
Several sources reported today that Evanston resident Gary Chambliss’ mind will be closed today in observance of Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
Frat to Celebrate MLK Day by Watching The Office’s Basketball Episode
“The episode is a brilliant commentary on the dangerous consequences of stereotyping. Not all black people are good at basketball, not all fat people suck at basketball, and women are sometimes okay at basketball too.”
Fraternity to Haze with Aggressive Emotional Support
“It’s more devastating than taking shots till we puke.”
Area Sophomore Swallows Goldfish at Job Fair “to Prove Loyalty”
“He proceeded to bend down, removing the goldfish from its bowl, and drop it straight into his mouth.”
Weinberg Junior to Attempt Eighth Different Note-Taking Method
Having already found that his grade decreases as his distance from the lecturer increases, Isaacs hopes to find a similar pattern through his increasingly robust data on what factors correlate most with success.
Diverse Fraternity Gets Second Black Guy
Coming on the heels of Beta Beta Beta’s ground-breaking decision last year to get their first black guy, this diverse fraternity is once again shifting the paradigm of what it means to be inclusive.
Alice Millar Vandals Sentenced to Literal Slap on the Wrist
“We wanted to rise above the limitations of metaphor and really drive home the lack of consequences.”