Librarian Judging You as You Miss WildCard Scanner
“Any more than a couple swipes and I immediately value you less as a human being. I’m kind’ve ruthless.”
Category Archives: Local
Northwestern Basketball Finally Relevant Enough to Disappoint
“This isn’t what we’ve come to expect from the team. I’m really not sure how to explain it”, said head coach Chris Collins, visibly perplexed by the team’s current record of 16-4.
Screeching Harpies Drag Sorority Rushees Back to Lair
“THE UNANOINTED SHALL BE BROUGHT FORTH UNTO US FOR JUDGEMENT. THEIR TORMENT IN LIMBO WILL SEE THEM REWARDED SO SAYETH ASMODEUS, RUSH CHAIR.”
Area Cyber-Sleuth Finds Hot Girl from Class on Facebook
“As soon as I saw that blonde chick in the third row wearing those yoga pants, I just knew I had to figure out who she was.”
Jaded Obama Shows up to Work in Sweatpants
“Many of my sources have commented on [the recent change]. One of them compared it to high school senioritis.”
Area Douchebag Turns to Kant in Times of Crisis
His classmates can’t wait for him to go to a small liberal arts college, where he’ll eventually become philosophy professor and never be heard from again.
SPAC Closed on MLK Day, Hundreds of Leg Days Ruined
In addition to cancelling classes, many buildings across campus were closed, including the Henry Crown Sports Pavilion and Aquatic Center.
Area Man’s Mind Closed for MLK Day
Several sources reported today that Evanston resident Gary Chambliss’ mind will be closed today in observance of Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
Frat to Celebrate MLK Day by Watching The Office’s Basketball Episode
“The episode is a brilliant commentary on the dangerous consequences of stereotyping. Not all black people are good at basketball, not all fat people suck at basketball, and women are sometimes okay at basketball too.”
Fraternity to Haze with Aggressive Emotional Support
“It’s more devastating than taking shots till we puke.”