Northwestern Student Body Headed Straight to Hell
“I think I saw the mad glint of their god’s eye today. His shriveled white prophet made it explicit when he condemned me to hellfire lest I repent. Those are damn convincing words.”
Category Archives: Local
Shepard Freshman Camps Outside Laundry Room with Big Fuck-Off Axe
“Oh, I totally intend to use this,” Ruben said when questioned about the fire axe resting on her lap. “Nobody is going to keep my three weeks’ worth of sweatpants out any longer.”
Sheil to Hold Coat Drive for Idiot Freshmen
“I understand now that in order for Sheil to serve the Northwestern community, we need to give these idiot freshmen the coats they were too stupid to realize they needed in Illinois,” Sister Mary said.
Local RA Only Member of Floor GroupMe
“I thought Cassidy was really cool at first, but then she cornered me in the lounge, yelling about how I missed some Saturday night info session about using the CTA.”
Report: Your PA was Drunk the Whole Time
Northwestern’s Alcohol ENU, long ignored by students, has recently come under fire for releasing a survey of PA drinking habits.
Frisky Freshman Pledges to Go “Meatless” on Mondays
“This could definitely do me some good. My jaw gets very sore from handling meat so often.”
Area Freshman Confident Dream Girl in Next Quarter’s Classes
“He’s trying to pretend he’s Romeo when he comes off as a coked-up Charlie Sheen every time he talks to a girl.”
New Dorm on North Campus Just Another Whole Foods
Local residents are excited about the location of Evanston’s fourth Whole Foods.
Off-Campus Party Gross, Just Fucking Gross
“It was so damn hot in there, people were sweating like pigs, and on top of all that, the beer pong balls kept landing on the mildew in the back corner.”
Kresge Built on Ancient Student Burial Ground
“Scientists have retrieved and identified approximately 150 people from under the building, as detected by the geological survey of the site, who died under the oppressive legacy of Northwestern founder John Evans.”