Midterm Wine-and-Dines Student Before Fucking
News broke out today that a Chem 210 midterm allegedly wine-and-dined local Chemical Engineering major Tom Vogel, MEAS ’19, before relentlessly fucking him over.
Category Archives: Local
An Open Letter to the Man Sitting Alone in Tech Express
I hope you’re doing well and that you’re comfortable sitting at that big table all by yourself. I can see that you like sushi based on the half-eaten Seafood Delight sitting two feet to your right.
Sororities to Include Weigh-In as Part of Preview
“The subjectivity of the selection process as it exists today endorses the objectification of women. Weigh-ins will help give us a more objective way of judging recruits, hopefully leveling the playing field.”
STUDY: Area Student Has Minute to Discuss LGBT Rights
A recent study published by the Northwestern LGBT Alliance showed shows that the average person is available to discuss LGBT rights for, on average, one minute.
Freshman Already Claiming Winter Quarter Will Go Better
After receiving a B+ on her first assignment, Summers believes all she needs is a fresh start. “I just had to accept that this was a bump in the road,” she told her best friend Heather Heathers.
Blaze Pizza To Host Profit Share With Itself
Accordingly, all sales generated by the pizzeria over the next few days will be reinvested into corporate improvements and managerial salaries.
Off-campus Students File Noise Complaint Against Middle-aged Neighbors
Mr. and Mrs. O’Halloran, both 52, were reportedly hosting their bi-weekly Jenga tournament when things got “blatantly out of hand,” in the words of Evanston Police Department chief Richard Eddington.
Area Dad Hits on Daughter at Homecoming Party
Northwestern Alumni and Father Brett Connors, 52, was caught drunkenly hitting on his daughter at a homecoming party this weekend.
Fitz to Ride Live Wildcat in Homecoming Parade
“A clerical error was made, causing too many people to be assigned to the main parade convertible. Someone needed to be removed. Considering last week’s result against Michigan, Fitz was the obvious choice.”
Freshman Thinks Bobb’s Full Name Is Robert
Sources indicate that although he had originally thought it was just named Bobb, he used the critical thinking skills that reportedly got him into Northwestern to deduce the dorm’s official name.